The Perfect Match

As a teenager, my only criteria for my future spouse was that he be a man of God, and taller than me. Not a lot to ask, unless you consider that at 5’8½” I was taller than over half the young men in my acquaintance! For some reason I felt it was right and proper and nearly essential that the husband lead – in altitude as well as everything else! As far as other traits were concerned, I believed firmly that if ‘he’ was in a right relationship with the Lord, despite differences in personality, background, and convictions, we would be able to blend into a good match.

I was 19 when my family began attending a new Church fellowship. All the other young men in my immediate acquaintance had been assessed and found lacking (both in height and maturity). This provided a great opportunity to see what else was out there! Unfortunately it was a relatively small fellowship and the pastor’s eldest son, who led worship every Sunday, was the only possible candidate, and he was almost an inch shorter than me! Thankfully, I was not overly preoccupied with finding a mate, and life went on for the next several years full of growing experiences and good, single-minded activities.

At the age of 22, romance came into my life for the first time. A man asked permission to court me, and with my parent’s counsel, and the Lord’s guidance, I felt led to accept and we began forming a relationship. He was not the ‘type’ of guy I thought the Lord would bring me – for one thing, he was short! But the Lord spoke to me through I Samuel 16:7

“Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature…for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” And soon I learned to love this man for his heart, and not to give too much weight to the things man usually put so much emphasis on. After a few short months, however, it became apparent to all that the Lord’s purposes in this season had been fulfilled, and the relationship was ended. That was a very painful time for me, yet I had learned an important lesson. I had experienced the beauty of agape – unconditional love. I was now more convinced than ever that whoever the Lord brought for me as a mate, He would also provide the grace for me to love and respect him – no matter what his age, height, background, or personality. I still secretly hoped that next time ‘he’ would be tall, but I felt that a commitment to unconditional love was the most essential ingredient for a successful marriage.

Then, in 2005, guess who showed up? You guessed it, our pastor’s son! And suddenly I was falling head-over-heels in love with him! No, he hadn’t grown, but I had – I had matured from that narrow minded 19 yr. old and thank the Lord, was able to see the beauty of God’s plan for me.

“Man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

My counsel to young woman asking “how picky should I be?” is not that you should give up your high standards of godliness or purity. But I am pleading that you do not hold any of your ideals higher than the plan God may have for you. Though your list of preferences for your future mate may appear very spiritual - focused on character qualities and Christian convictions, we remain limited by what we can see. Only God knows exactly what type of mate you or a prospective young man will be. We can analyze, make lists of character qualities and background preferences, and even try to decide what kind of personality would be the greatest fit in a marriage, but we remain finite in our abilities to judge. Even in a close courting relationship, it is difficult to get to know someone on the level that would truly reveal what it will be like living with them after the vows are said. My experience has been that as I was open to the Lord’s leading, making His will my deepest desire, He led me into a relationship with more compatibility and fulfillment than I could have ever dreamed. Since my marriage I have been continually surprised and delighted as I have discovered what a gift God has given me in my husband.

We can and should look wisely at a prospective gentleman with certain criteria, but make sure the Lord leads you as you make any judgments. A few points I would consider -

1. Look for fruit in his life. Look for faithfulness, responsibility, diligence. These qualities are more important than physical possessions, accomplishments, or diplomas. Does he have friends who trust him? Have you observed him face a trial without compromise? Do you see him making wise choices now?

2. Do not rely on your own judgment entirely. How do others think of him? Do his parents trust him, his siblings respect him, his friends and acquaintances enjoy his company?

3. Who are his friends? Are they people you could respect and trust? Does he have a good relationship with his pastor and other authority figures in his life? And do his relationships go beyond surface level?

This is not meant to be an exhaustive list – I only wanted to give an example of some open minded questions you can ask when assessing a young man.

Can I promise that he will turn out to be the man of your dreams? No, but that is where unconditional love comes in. As you grow in your knowledge of who he is inside and out, begin the habit of accepting and choosing to love him just as he is. And there, I believe, is the secret to the perfect match.

In my finite, immature wisdom, I never could have come up with the exact character, personality, habits, and background of my ideal mate. But God, in His infinite wisdom, did. Let Him mold your dreams! I’m so grateful that he gave me the grace to marry someone who wasn’t perfect, yet to see my husband as God does – Perfect for me!

- Trina Holden, July 2006