While browsing through Borders holding my beloved’s hand, I spotted a new book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. Her previous book, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, is one of my all-time favorites on marriage. So I had to find out what else Dr. Laura had to say.
Her premise was this: “Chivalry is largely dead, and feminism is the murderer. It soured both males and females on the joy, awe, wonder, excitement, thrill, satisfaction from, and mystery of femininity and masculinity.” (pg. 3) And some form of selfish feminism, according to Dr. Laura, is what stands in the way of a happy, satisfying marriage.
A listener of Dr. Laura’s radio show named Michel summed it up from a woman’s point of view:
“It’s easy to keep a man that worships you—just make him feel like a man.” (pg. 151) That is what Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is all about (click here for a review). Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage is geared towards both men and women. So there’s a lot more there for husbands who want to bring the joy back to their marriages.
One very manly illustration was from a listener named Kory. He said that when he felt distant from his wife, he compared it to noticing that his truck’s gas gauge was on E. The way he fills that “gas tank” is to show love to his wife. And the more he gives, the more he gets. In marriage, one must never let the “gas light” come on. “It’s just as easy to fill the top half of your tank as it is to fill the bottom.” And a lot smarter for your marriage, as Dr. Laura points out. (pg. 162)
What else does Dr. Laura have to say to women in her new book? One survey response from a listener really stood out to me: “Physical attractiveness is only a spark—being cheerful and loving is the flame.” (pg. 26) Sounds just like the first chapter out of another favorite book of mine, Created to be His Helpmeet (click here for a review).
After reading about communication, I asked my husband if he’d been writing in to Dr. Laura without communicating to me about it! He hadn’t, but another man named Merritt gave a simple yet sound piece of advice: “Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind and then get bent out of shape when it doesn’t happen.” (pg. 125) In regards to communication, Dr. Laura says that marriage is not about unconditional love. Words do hurt your spouse. “Make sure you’re thinking about longevity in the marriage before you open your mouth.” (pg. 127)
Money and sex are not the top causes of divorce, claims Dr. Laura. They are symptoms of a bigger problem: “lack of ability and willingness to desire to make your beloved’s life worth living.” (pg. 142) You knew their faults when you chose to marry this person, Dr. Laura reminds readers. But as listener Kris observed, “The reality is that marriage is a magnifying glass for irritations… It helps if you remember what drew you to one another in the first place.” And once you’re married, Dr. Laura advises, “work with them on compromise, instead of against them with anger.” (pg. 143)
So what is Dr. Laura’s answer for people struggling in unhappy marriages? Don’t try to talk it all out and resolve all your problems hoping to “feel” in love again. “The loving gestures have to come before the feelings… Husbands and wives must treat each other with the tender, loving regard they once had in order to reinitialize positive feelings about their spouse. The more you think and do loving things, the more you will feel loving. Does that mean you’re being a phony? No. It means you’re thinking positively and making an investment based on earlier wonderful returns.” (169-170)
I took Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage back to the library today. Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands remains on my bookshelf, still my favorite, with its hard-hitting illustrations and memorable advice. But if you’ve read Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and want more practical counsel, or if you’re a man who’s looking for some ideas on how to better love your wife, check out Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. It can’t help but change your marriage for the better.
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3 comments:
There's a whole lot of good information here- not only for marriage, but for relationships, as well. :)
Thanks, Gretchen!
It sounds like a really good book. Although I'm not in a relationship right now, I am trying my best to get a biblical understanding of marriage now so that when I am in a relationship I will have realisitic expectations. I think it is really important to not expect "happily ever after" after marriage but to realize that it will be a growing relationship in Christ.
Hmm...
Money and sex are not the top causes of divorce, claims Dr. Laura. They are symptoms of a bigger problem: “lack of ability and willingness to desire to make your beloved’s life worth living.” (pg. 142)
Seems to me that it is not our job to make another's life worth living. Only a right focus on Christ can make a life worth living. We certainly can encourage, love, and be helping hands to others on this journey of life (and that includes spouses), but we cannot be to another what only Jesus was meant to be. We cannot provide worth - and marriage, love, respect, and many other good things do not increase our value or worthiness.
Serve one another in love and honor - yes. But we do not, and cannot, make "life worth living" for another. That position is to be fulfilled by Christ alone. Anything that usurps such a position in our lives is in competition for the place that Jesus should occupy.
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