Who not to tell?

Recently a reader and I exchanged rapid-fire dialogue on a topic that seemed "of sufficiently general interest" to post. If you disagree, well, come back tomorrow. :-) (The reader's text is in italics and mine (Natalie's) is plain text.)

Your "Letter to a younger sister" was very good, but I have to admit that I have shared at length with a dear sister in Christ, my un-requited like/admiration/attraction for a certain gentlemen, and through talking and praying about it with her, it has helped me a great deal through the years. My parents do know, and I've talked with Mom quite a bit about it.

What is your explanation for not sharing one's pain with a close friend who one trusts implicitly? Please help me understand what you mean. Do you think it should be a general rule? Why exactly? (And I don't mean, giggling and going over all his good points...I mean true anguish of the soul-please-pray for me-I can't get him out of my head...)

I hope you don't mind me asking, I have been greatly blessed by many of your writings and this one point you've written about a couple times puzzles me.

When you say, "I mean true anguish of the soul" my heart clenches in empathy. I am not far removed from days when the emotional pain grew so intense that I could not stop the tears. Actually, emotional pain does not stop in courtship! But as concerns this brand of soul anguish...yes, I remember. Sometimes actual physical pain comes, the heartache is so strong. This is no small trial.

I am not qualified to lay down a general rule; this is one young woman's perspective, so if it is a rule at all, it is one she lives by because of experience and the guidance of others. Before letting girlfriends know about an attraction/admiration for some young man, what about searching your heart?

Do your parents and/or a godly older mentor know your thoughts? Are they in tune with your heart and able to hold you accountable? If their advice and a girlfriend's do not line up, what will you do? What is your purpose in sharing? Aside from your own needs, will your sharing risk any harm or be a less-than-loving act for the hearer? Do all your words honor the person you admire? Has the hearer earned your trust?

It is quite a different thing to share with one confidant than to share with all your girlfriends--and the motives in your action are the key. I would still recommend sharing with someone who can be in more of a mentor position--older, with more wisdom--than a peer. But it is not a blanket statement that can be applied in all cases.

Does that help?

Thank you. It does help a great deal in understanding what you meant. It would seem from many things I've read that you and Gretchen are such confidants? Very sweet.

Yes we are. She has withstood years of my heart agonies!

So how different would you compare infatuation with being in-love??

These short answers are no way intended to be comprehensive, but as a brief answer....love is not a feeling of admiration, "like" etc. Infatuation is. There is nothing wrong with infatuation when it is for someone you are in a committed relationship with. But in and of itself, it is not enough. Love is a choice that must be made carefully....only after it is made can you let the feelings have free reign--and my do they want to! They want to be first, and not wait their turn.
Voddie Baucham's definition of Biblical love is excellent: "Love is an act of the will, accompanied by emotion that leads to action on the behalf of its object."

Just an additional note...there is nothing inherently sinful about admiring someone--I just know that I have most of the time regretted sharing that admiration/like with others besides a close mentor. It's just wise to exercise much caution--and it is very hard.