Building Blocks for Happy Moms, Happy Babies

By Gretchen Acheson, 2008

I’m new at this amazing thing called motherhood. Every day I realize anew how much I have to learn. What I share here is not original with me. Neither is it everything you need to know to be a mom.

It is a summary of what I’ve learned from the other moms in my life. It is a compilation of the things my husband reminded me of when our newborn was crying and I was close to tears. It outlines a few of the things that we feel have helped make our baby the happy, content little girl everyone comments on. It’s just a few of the “building blocks” we’ve used in making our home a happy one. (And I hope you already know this, but nothing you read on the internet should replace your mother’s instinct or the advice of your doctor, pediatrician, or midwife.)

The First Weeks: Getting Milk, Gaining Weight, Getting Sleep

The top priorities for the first few weeks of your baby’s life all hinge one upon another: Mom getting her milk supply, Baby regaining its birth weight, and both of you getting some sleep. This is the time to drink lots and lots of water, feed your baby when he’s hungry, take hot showers and baths (especially before nursing), and sleep when your baby sleeps. If your baby wants to sleep much of the night and there is no medical concern about his nutrition, enjoy your rest. But be sure to wake your baby for meals at least every three hours during the day so he learns day from night.

The Clock on My Wall

It seems that no matter what time I eat breakfast, I only have to glance at the clock and see the hour hand approaching noon to think about eating again. Sometimes I eat lunch well before noon, if I’m really hungry or will be gone at lunchtime. Other days, I wait until well past noon for lunch because I ate breakfast at 10 o’clock and know I don’t need another meal already. The clock does not set my meal times, but it does help remind me whether or not I’m hungry yet.

I view the clock and my daughter’s mealtimes the same way. As a tired new mom, the clock was there to remind me that even though it felt like I’d just laid down for a nap, my daughter hadn’t eaten for 3 hours and I needed to feed her.

When my daughter and I were first getting the hang of nursing, it helped me to keep an eye on the clock to know how long she’d been eating. If she was crying after just two minutes, she probably had a burp, but she definitely wasn’t done. I thought she’d never learn to have a meal in less than an hour. But in just a few months, she was done eating in less than five minutes per side. And because I watched the clock, I learned her mealtime patterns, and could reassure myself that she’d gotten a full meal.

As a scatter-brained mom trying to get lots done while my daughter was playing, it really helped me to pay attention to what time she got up. It would seem only a few minutes since I left her with her toys when those tired cries would greet my ears. But a glance at the clock showed me sure enough, she’d been playing for an hour, and was definitely ready for a nap.

And when it came to naptime, the clock was an equally helpful tool. Based on what time it was and listening to how she cried I could tell if my little one was awakened by a burp or a noise, and needed more rest, or if she was wide awake and hungry. (The older she gets, the easier it is to tell—if she awakens crying, she usually needs more sleep, but when she wakes up happy and cooing, she’s well-rested and thinking about her next meal.)

Feeding a Hungry Baby

Every human being born on this earth is different from every other baby. Not every baby will conform to the same eating patterns. Smaller babies with smaller tummies will probably have to eat more often than bigger babies. Little ones who aren’t gaining enough weight may need to be reminded that they are hungry. Others who seem to want to nurse twenty-four hours a day may have to learn that mommy has other things to do (and mommy may learn the benefits of a pacifier, even when her child was “never” going to use one!).

Rule number one is to always feed a hungry baby. Suggestion number one is to help guide your baby’s hunger cycles so that you are feeding a hungry baby. It can be a challenge when your baby is still tiny, but if you can keep your baby awake enough at meal time so that they will get a good meal, they will go longer before they are hungry again. And when they are hungry again, they will be hungry enough for another good feeding. Constant nursing day and night will only wear mom out, reducing her milk supply. Both the baby and the milk quickly learn whether the rule of the day is continual snacking or a good meal every few hours.

As your baby grows, the times between meals can naturally be stretched longer. If you have to wake your baby up from every nap for a meal, it might be a sign that he can go longer between meals.

Our little girl ate every two and a half hours—from her first week of life, until she was over four months old. She started sleeping through the night at almost three months old, but she still ate every two and a half hours during the day. I could have set my clock by her hunger. Try as I might to stretch it to three, she wasn’t ready. Then, all of a sudden, she was hungry every three hours. And sometimes we stretch it to four.

You will learn your baby’s own unique needs. Just be sure that as you respond to their needs you’re also helping guide them towards a routine that is good for your baby, your health, and your family.

Eat, Play, Sleep, Eat, Play, Sleep

No matter how often you feed your baby, a little routine will go a long ways toward keeping mom and baby happy.

The traditional baby routine seems to have always been to nurse your baby to sleep. Then you tip-toe to the crib, lay them down, sneak out of the room, and hope they don’t wake up five minutes later with a burp.

Try rearranging the routine. When your baby wakes up from his nap, feed him. Then play with him for a while before he goes down for a nap. Naptime will help stretch the time until his next feeding. When he wakes up, he should be well-rested and ready to give his full attention to eating a good meal. After all those burps are taken care of, and the diaper’s changed, it’s playtime. When he’s little, Mommy might have to play with him to keep him awake until he gets adjusted to the order of the routine. As he gets older, he’ll have fun playing on his own for much of playtime—in fact, you’ll probably see that he wants and needs this “alone” play time away from mom and other siblings. (If he has trouble with spitting up, a partial reclining position in a swing or bouncy seat is a good way to start playtime.)

With all those wiggles and burps out, naptime will soon be drawing near. Your little one may fuss and rub his eyes to let you know he’s ready for a nap. Other days, he might be convinced he doesn’t need a nap. But Mommy knows that without a good nap now he will be fussy later. So Mommy makes sure he has a dry diaper, swaddles him up tight, and puts him down for a nap.

It’s a simple routine arrangement of which you’ll quickly see the benefits! (Not only is there a lot less fear of choking on spit-up during naptime, being awake after meals means you won’t have to worry about milk sitting in the sleeping little one’s mouth causing decay to those baby teeth.)

Falling Asleep

I love cuddling with my baby girl. I love rocking with her. I love feeling her snuggled against me. But I also love that I do not have to rock her to sleep every naptime, because she has learned to put herself to sleep.

It wasn’t an easy process. It involved tears—on both my part and my baby’s. But it didn’t take very many nights and naptimes of crying for our baby girl to learn that being swaddled up and put in her cradle meant it was time to go to sleep.

This is where her daddy played a crucial part. God gave practical, loving husbands to hormonal, postpartum women for a reason. It was my husband who helped me decide when our little girl was hungry (even though she just ate an hour earlier) and when she was just tired (and she never will nurse for more than a second when she’s just tired, not hungry). It was my husband who kept reassuring this emotional new mom that our baby daughter was fine, her diaper was dry, and she had just eaten for an hour: she probably just needed to cry. It was my husband who helped me remember that our little girl would need to learn to put herself to sleep sooner or later—and the sooner she learned, the easier it would be.

And soon we were rewarded by a little girl who cooed and smiled when she was put in her cradle, falling asleep while talking to her mobile of Winnie the Pooh and friends.

Back to Sleep

The “Back to Sleep” slogan they use these days to remind mommies to put babies on their backs for sleeping (with lots of tummy time while playing) can have another meaning: baby may fall back to sleep when he awakens during a nap. Often our daughter will awaken part-way through her nap, smile at her mobile, coo or fuss a bit, and soon settle right back to sleep. This is especially common when she’s learning to adapt to a new schedule. And I have to remember to give her plenty of time to go back to sleep when she awakens in the middle of the night. There’s no reason for me to get up and feed a baby who isn’t hungry: if I give her plenty of time (using that clock again), and she’s still crying, then I know she’s hungry, not just tired and needing to fall back to sleep.

Swaddle Me Tight

A concept as old as the prophecy of the Babe in the manger, swaddling refers to the practice of wrapping a baby up snugly, imitating the close confines of the womb, and its mother’s arms. Besides the obvious benefit of keeping the baby warm without the danger of suffocation from blankets, swaddling also helps babies sleep better. You’ve seen babies startle themselves awake, their arms raising quickly? It’s called the startle reflex. They usually grow out of it between four to six months, but until then, swaddling can help keep babies from waking themselves up.

With a little practice and a big blanket, you can learn to swaddle your baby quickly and easily. (The DVD included with The Moms on Call Guide to Basic Baby Care has a great swaddling demonstration.) Or for the swaddling-challenged like myself, there is something Jesus’ mother Mary had never seen: Velcro. It keeps even the most determined little one snugly wrapped. (Check out the Kiddopotamus SwaddleMe or the Halo Sleep Sack for swaddles with Velcro.)

Marriage Bed, Not Family Bed

There is a lot of talk these days about “the family bed”—the practice of having baby (and siblings) sleep in daddy and mommy’s bed. I’ve yet to hear of a doctor recommending the concept. And I would guess even fewer husbands are wild about the idea.

Our little girl slept first in her own cradle made by a family friend, and then in a crib lovingly redone by her daddy. It’s not that she was never in our bed—it was the warmest place on those cold winter nights, and sometimes this exhausted new mom fell asleep nursing, to awaken several hours later with my daughter still in my arms. But then I would gently swaddle my sleeping babe and lay her back down in her cradle while I turned to wrap my arms around her sleeping daddy.

I am a mommy now. But I was first, and I am still foremost, a wife. Yes, sometimes in order to best serve my husband’s needs, I have to attend to the baby’s first. But at the end of the day, with our little girl fast asleep in her crib, I am free to focus completely on my husband. When he comes home from work, Baby and I go to the door to kiss him. She plays with her toys while her daddy and I eat dinner and spend time together in the evenings. She gets lots of time to play with her daddy—we try to schedule her awake times when he’s home for lunch, and they are always reading together in the evenings. But I want my children to always know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that their daddy and mommy love each other first and most. And I firmly believe that knowledge will give them more sense of safety and security for years to come than sleeping in our bed ever could. (Not to mention that there is no room in our bed for anyone else, with all the pillows we use!)

Sometimes Babies Need to Cry

The common thread of wisdom I received from the other moms in my life was this: sometimes babies need to cry. Sometimes they need to work out extra energy before they go to sleep. Sometimes they need to cry and be frustrated for a while to push them to achieve a milestone like rolling off their tummy or crawling for that toy. Sometimes they are overly tired and have to cry to settle down. Sometimes they just need to cry.

I had to play their reminders over in my head when I checked on my crying baby girl for the umpteenth time. Her socks were still on, her diaper was still dry, she refused to eat any more, and her eyes were so heavy. She was obviously very tired. I had the permission of her grandmas and great-grandmas. She just needed to cry.

Watching those little tears roll down her cheeks wasn’t easy. But she felt so much better after she had her nap. And she never loved me any less when she woke up—she only smiled the bigger for her restful nap.

Her daddy was good at reminding me that she might just need to cry. He spent many hours of his young life, well-fed and diapered, in the “green room” on the other side of the house from his family, while he cried and cried and cried. And it didn’t seem to have harmed him permanently—other than the fact that he’s a fan of all things John Deere green!

But mommies learn to distinguish the cries of their little ones. After learning to settle herself down to sleep, our little girl only really cried if she was hungry or tired or there was something wrong. Because she was normally such a content baby I could tell easily by her cry when something wasn’t right.

Coupled with the classic family tale of my husband’s never-ending crying is the story of the day when he was even fussier than usual (if indeed that were possible). It was finally discovered that he had gotten into his mother’s sewing basket and had a straight pin stuck in his foot.

You’ll learn to tell the straight pin cry from the tired cry. And if you glance at your friendly clock you’ll find that the tired cry doesn’t last nearly as long as it seems. Sometimes, babies just need to cry.

Training Up a Happy Family

When your baby is born it becomes a member of a family. The world may seem to revolve around the baby for a little while, but it can’t stay that way for long if your little one is to grow up an unselfish member of a happy family.

Before they are old enough to understand the word no, little ones can learn from repeated patterns and routines. Our baby girl grew so used to eating as soon as she got out of her crib that it was okay if someone else got her up, but if she was then handed to anyone else but Mommy (aka Food) she had the most offended cry. Now that she’s a bit older, and when I know she’s not absolutely starving, I’m helping her learn that it’s okay to wait a little while before she eats. Sometimes Daddy or Nanna might be babysitting her, and she will have to wait for Mommy to arrive, so we’re practicing getting up and sitting a bit before she eats. Soon, we’ll be learning to sit still on Mommy’s lap for longer and longer periods of time, so that she will learn to sit quietly during church. And as soon as she can sit by herself, I’m going to be potty training her by routine.

Begin establishing routines now of patience, contentment, and independence—reinforced with lots of love and tender care. Train your little one before they are old enough to willfully disobey. Read them the Word of God before they learn to talk. Sing His praises to their little ears. Show them how much you love their daddy before they ever know it could be different.

And as you build your happy home, don’t ever forget the only sure foundation: Jesus Christ.

Happy building!

Related Links

ylcf.org – "Foundations for a Happy Family"
ylcf.org – “Swaddling Clothes”

Moms on Call Website

FamilyLife Today Broadcast – “Rock-a-Bye Baby” (Day 1 of 4)
FamilyLife Today Broadcast – “Baby Doesn’t Feel Well? What Should I Do?” (Day 2 of 4)
FamilyLife Today Broadcast – “Who Sets Baby’s Schedule?” (Day 3 of 4)
FamilyLife Today Broadcast – “More Questions for Moms on Call” (Day 4 of 4)

Gretchen’s Favorite “White Noise” CD: “For Crying Out Loud”

P.S. Just a note from Natalie...at this point in time I do virtually all of the scheduling for publishing posts, moderating comments, reading and replying to emails, etc. Thus when anonymous commenters leave rude or derogatory remarks geared toward a post's author, they truly are wasting their time as no one but me will ever see them--and I am being completely honest when I say that virtually nothing ruffles my feathers. We at the YLCF look out for each other, including doing what we can to protect each other from things which are antagonistic to YLCF's vision and purpose.