Reflections on Courtship
by Rachael
Courtship is a subject that has been on my mind of late. It seems that love is cropping up all over the place these days and now that it's happening to one of my own sisters, I have been thinking quite a bit about my own experience and about courtship in general.
Before I go further, I would like to make one small disclaimer. I am taking for granted—and, indeed, viewing it as fundamental to the proper function of the Christian family—that an unmarried woman is normally under the authority of a covenantal head (usually her father). This means that as long as she is unbetrothed and unmarried, she is bound to submit to him in all things, insofar as she is not requested to sin (her obligation after betrothal/engagement is another story, which I will talk about later).
I should also provide a couple of basic definitions for those of you who may be unfamiliar with the idea of courtship and related topics. (Bear in mind that others who talk about courtship and betrothal may not agree precisely with my definitions)
Courtship, as defined by "the courtship movement", which is made up mostly of conservative Christians, is essentially a relationship between a man and a woman with the definite intention of ending in marriage. It is not to be entered into lightly. However, it is not a commitment, per se; there are no promises beyond the serious, earnest pursuit of getting to know one another in hopes that a wedding will come out of it. Courtship is generally more serious than dating, but the defining mark of a courtship is, I think, the involvement of the parents, especially of the girl's parents (usually the father takes a leading role). A courtship typically cannot happen without, at least, the explicit approval of the girl's father. What happens after that varies from family to family. Some courtships carry with them a truckload of rules and "thou shalt nots" established by one or more of the parents; others have very few rules beyond what Scripture clearly prohibits (fornication). The point is that the young woman's father (at least) actively approves of her suitor and must be approached, eventually, for permission to become engaged (betrothed). Furthermore, it is, hopefully, a time in which the father is able to become more familiar with the young man, so that when the time does come for engagement, he will be informed enough of the young man's character and mind to know whether or not he is indeed suitable for his daughter.
Betrothal is not a synonym for "arranged marriage" or for vowing to marry a specific individual before one is certain one even truly desires to do so. It is simply a term used to refer to the state of being promised in marriage. A person who is engaged can also be said to be betrothed.
But it was a year until he moved to Texas. The only financial preparation we were able to make during that year was saving more money (we already had a lot of money saved, between the two of us, which is why we were able to buy a house right away). I'm glad they let us court when they did, because that allowed everyone to get to know each other better with the knowledge that it would be for a specific purpose in the end; but their decision to not wait turned out to be for no reason, since it was so long before he could move.
Anyway, my parents initially told me that our relationship during courtship was not to change at all from what it was before. That didn't last long; they soon saw that it had already gone much farther than friendship even before we'd been given permission to court. We hadn't told each other of our feelings (at least not directly; Jonathan says I did a pretty good job of hiding, but he was pretty obvious, even though I could tell he was trying not to be), but it was clear that we'd already gone past the friendship line. The fact that we had such feelings so early in our relationship made things more difficult on us later, but I can't think of anything I could have done that would have made it better.
I have read things that talk about how glorious it is to not give any part of one's heart away until marriage. They are mostly written by idealistic young girls who have never been in any kind of relationship, but even some older, married men have said it. These men claim that they "have" their daughter's heart and that she will not let anyone else have any of it until the day of her wedding—that she will not give her heart to any man until then, not even the man she is courting or engaged to. If there is anyone who can really do this, I would like to meet that person. I can't imagine being human and being able to control one's heart so completely. Of course there are things one can do that will slow things down, to some extent—but once you start rolling down the hill, I can't think of a way to stop (or even slow down, after a certain point).
I think the idea of not giving one's heart away until marriage is a naive philosophy that stems from our aversion to pain. No parent wants to see his or her child suffering from a broken heart; and certainly no one would wish a broken heart upon himself. It would be nice if we could create a system that would prevent pain, but life's not like that and, sorry to say, hearts don't come with an on/off switch.
Much of the focus of the courtship movement seems to be the prevention of pain or the risk of pain. I think that is one reason why many courtships fail or at least turn out to be a great struggle, not only for the couple but for the parents as well. If our minds are busy making sure that we're not falling in love yet, it's harder to think about the ultimate goal of pleasing God. It may be wiser at some times, in some cases, to wait on nourishing romantic feelings, but things like that should not play a huge role in courtship or dating or whatever it's called. Or perhaps it would be better to say that it's neither necessary nor possible for parents to control that aspect of it. "Thou shalt not develop romantic feelings" should usually not be a "rule", per se, first of all because it's usually a human impossibility if you're in a courtship, and secondly because though it may in some cases be unwise, it isn't sinful. The purpose of courtship should not be the prevention of pain. It should be, as all things should be, to glorify God.
We must realize, of course, that if this is our attitude, that means some courtships will end with many tears of grief. As difficult as that is, it's often part of life. We don't live in a Thomas Kinkade painting or a Hallmark card commercial. The world is broken; we are broken; we are all full of flaws, in our hearts and in our minds, and as long as that is the case, love will be a risky thing.
But it didn't slow anything down. All it did is frustrate. It was only a minor annoyance in the beginning, but as our relationship progressed, and especially as we started taking steps toward being able to marry (such as buying a bed, a truck, and a house, together), it grew into a source of considerable exasperation for us.
In the early stages of love, feelings are so strong and passionate that there needs to be an outlet of some kind. For almost the first year of our courtship, we were unable to express our love for each other in any way except by looks. It became quite absurd; I remember one visit Jonathan made which was spent almost entirely in the activity of sitting on the couch, several inches apart, just looking at each other. Yes, friends, we did this for several days. Eventually we resorted to saying "I like you", with the knowledge that it actually meant "I love you." It seems so ridiculous now, and it even seemed ridiculous then, but we felt that we could do nothing else.
Of course, love wants a much bigger outlet than words, and it cannot have that outlet until it is bound in matrimony; but we felt that just being able to speak freely would help immensely. And when we were finally given that privilege (over a year after we started courting), we found that we had been right. Likewise, my parents have since modified their philosophy in this regard.
It is not sinful to have rules. But rules should not be seen as a tool that can be used to bind the heart. Not being allowed to verbally declare our feelings for each other did absolutely nothing for controlling those feelings. I did not love Jonathan less because we were not allowed to say "those words"—as if they are a magic spell. If our courtship had ended before the DTR was abolished, our hearts would have been just as broken.
There were times when I allowed myself to have a bad attitude about the DTR (and various others). I believe I was justified in being frustrated, but some attitudes were sinful and were I more godly, I would not have succumbed to them. I think, however, that although any time I stumbled was my fault, the rules that were put into place for the sheer purpose of controlling our hearts did nothing but harm and gave us opportunity to sin.
You can make a thousand rules for anything, but unless the heart desires wisdom and faithfulness, the rules amount to nothing. Control comes from the inside, not the outside. Parents should focus on nurturing their children's hearts in the Word of God. When that is done properly, things like dressing modestly, getting chores done, and having a godly courtship will naturally follow.
Now that I am writing more specifically about things my parents did with our courtship that I disagree with, I think I should say that my parents are very loving, godly people, who have never wanted anything but the best for me. I know, and have always known, that although they made mistakes, everything they did, in my courtship and in my entire upbringing, was done out of love for me. Also, the mistakes they made in my courtship were mostly due to the fact that they'd never overseen a courtship before and didn't know anyone who had (at least not successfully), so many times they erred on the side of caution. This frustrated me at the time, but I am not bitter or angry about it. My purpose in writing about my courtship and including commentary on issues like the DTR is not to complain or to get back at my parents by making them out to be cruel or insane. I only want to sort out my thoughts and to share my experiences with you all.
Parents are not the Plague
One of the biggest objections to courtship is the fact that parents are involved in it.
I don't want a debate on whether or not parents have authority over their unmarried daughters, so I'm not going to get into that here. I just want to say that people who have loving and godly parents should not react so negatively to the idea of their involvement in the process of finding a mate. Even those who believe that parents shouldn't have authority over it should at least, I think, desire the benefit of their counsel and advice.
Many people look at my courtship and think my parents were overbearing and tyrannical. It is true that they made some mistakes. They know they did, too. But they were also a source of wisdom and encouragement for me during that wonderful but very trying period of my life. Looking back, I see the places where they were wrong, but I also see that they loved me very much and did many things right. They were delighted that I had found such happiness. The day we started courting was a joyous one, not only for me and for Jonathan, but for our parents and our families, and the day we married was even more wonderful. In the days before we were married, they were happy to give us more freedoms when they felt it wise to do so. I could see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices the day they told us we could hold hands freely, and the day, several months later, when they allowed us to finally express our love verbally: they were excited. They were thrilled.
There were times when we did not do what my parents asked. Whether or not their requests were reasonable, we were wrong to disregard them and I wish we could go back and choose, instead, to not make those mistakes (that's code for commit those sins, by the way—have you ever noticed?). But there were also times when they offered truth and wisdom and we accepted it. I am very glad for God's granting us the understanding to seek and heed those truths.
I realize, of course, that not all parents are so godly or loving, but those who do love Christ and their children usually have much more wisdom to offer than they are given credit for. No, parents don't know everything; not even the best of them know everything. But Scripture speaks highly of the wisdom that comes from years of experience (Prov. 16:31) and we should not take that lightly. While we are yet in their house, if they are godly, we should not chafe at their counsel but should listen attentively and with genuine eagerness to receive the jewels of wisdom they offer. We who have such opportunities should not reject them, ignore them, or take them for granted, but should desire them, and consider ourselves incredibly blessed.
Part of the attraction of courtship is its emphasis on premarital physical purity. I cannot count the number of people I've encountered who, though they may not accept courtship as a whole, like at least the idea of abstaining from most or all physical contact until engagement or marriage. Though many people, myself included, would rather not share their very first kiss in front of dozens of people on their wedding day, I think most would admit that there is something romantic about it.
At the time that Jonathan and I started courting, I didn't have any definite ideas about what should or should not be allowed (whether by our parents or by the two of us on our own). My parents did, however. In the beginning, there were many rules. Most of them lasted throughout the duration of our courtship, which was sometimes quite difficult for us, though we, too, saw the wisdom in some of them.
In June, five months into the courtship, my family made a trip to Oklahoma to visit Jonathan and his family. There we were allowed to spend some time sitting on the front porch to talk, which, for us, was quite a treat, as there were usually people listening to everything we said. We discussed many things, mostly relating to courtship and our hopes for the future. Somewhere along the way, Jonathan brought up the issue of holding hands. We knew we weren't supposed to, but we started talking about what we would do if my parents hadn't made that rule. Would we hold hands? Or would we wait until we were engaged? Or married?
We didn't reach a conclusion. But I think that conversation played something of a role in what happened the following month, when Jonathan came to visit for Independence Day and for my birthday. Watching a movie one night, we made one of the worst decisions possible at the time: we held hands. It wasn't preceded by a conference in which we agreed to do it; we hadn't discussed it again after the June visit. Of course we had both already thought of it independently of each other, without having to talk about it, but I think that talking about it made it more difficult to resist. It's not that we wouldn't have wanted to hold hands without that conversation, or that either of us thought the other didn't have any wish to do so, but I think that at least for me, hearing him talk about it and say he'd like to—even though neither of us were even certain that we would if we had permission—made me want it even more than I did before.
I don't know that I'd say it's always unwise to discuss such things during courtship. It may actually be a good thing to do, for the purpose of coming to a mutual understanding of what should or shouldn't be done, and when. But it does have the capability of making things more difficult than they already are, so I suppose I'd say that if it is to be done, it should be done with that knowledge. One of the hardest things to do during courtship is to be on guard, but it is also one of the most important.
Anyway, it was wrong of us to hold hands at that point, because it was forbidden by my parents, and perhaps we shouldn't have done so even if they'd allowed us to. There was no commitment between us. We were not engaged. But that's where a great part of our difficulties came in, as I've mentioned before. We were technically not engaged, true. But it was spoken of as if we were, referring to each other as "future this-in-law" and "that-in-law", and looking to purchase a house (we were shopping around as early as July, though we didn't find the right thing until December). We understood that my father had it within his power to undo our relationship at any time, but we both knew, without a hair's breadth of doubt, that we wanted to marry each other and that we were only waiting on my father to give us permission to make an official commitment.
The breaking of that rule brought immediate consequences. The worst came naturally: the knowledge that we had not exercised self-control and had let everyone down by giving in to our own desires. I felt that we had broken a trust that could never be built up again. Fortunately, I was wrong on that count, but it did take time, and I suffered mentally and spiritually for the choice.
As far as the appropriateness of physical contact during courtship, I don't think I have complete, definite opinions on what, if any, is acceptable. Betrothal (engagement) shouldn't be as strict, because it is a commitment, a covenant, and commitments and covenants should not, by definition, be broken except in extreme circumstances. I tend to think that courtship, because it is not a covenantal relationship, should be completely hands (and lips) off.
Commitment
Those definitions may be true in some cases, but for most people who use the term "courtship", neither is quite right.
Courtship is not the same as dating only one person to the exclusion of others. Most people who date don't date more than one person at once, and courtship is almost always very serious, whereas many dating relationships are more tentative.
Courtship is also not the same as engagement. I heard recently that there is a group of people who have rejected the term because of the legalistic connotations it carries and are now using the term "committed relationship". The trouble with this is that unless they have promised to marry each other, it is not really a committed relationship.
Such a statement might be seen as too general. It might even be offensive, but I don't say it to disparage or cast doubt upon the strength or sincerity of anyone's feelings. I know what it's like to be deeply in love but not engaged. Even before our courtship began, I knew I wanted to marry Jonathan and I felt for all those many months, before we had my father's blessing to become officially engaged, that we would marry. I felt in my heart that it was pointless for us to put off engagement, because we knew—the two of us—that we loved each other and wanted to marry as soon as we could, and our families could tell, too, that we felt very committed to each other. Everyone knew it.
But that is where a lot of our problems came from. As I've mentioned in previous entries, the terms my parents used were, for the most part, not at all consistent with the way they treated our relationship.
Courtship is not supposed to be a commitment. If it is, then it might as well be called betrothal or engagement, because a commitment is a promise, a vow. Promises and vows are not to be taken lightly. They should never be broken, except in extreme circumstances. It's true that in biblical times, betrothal actually required a divorce to undo—but even if you reject the idea that it should be that official and serious, surely one must agree on the following. A commitment is what you get when someone says, "I will do this or that"—in other words, they make a promise—and that, with rare exception, a promise should not be broken.
If that is true, then how can courtship be a commitment? Is it a commitment in the sense that it's serious, because its definite intention is marriage? If so, then why not call it a "serious relationship"? If it's more than serious, if it is a relationship that is a promise for marriage, then why not call it betrothal or engagement?
It does become somewhat complex when there are two young people who themselves know that they want to marry, but the covenantal head is not yet allowing them to commit to each other. In general, however, it doesn't have to be as complicated as people make it. It should be rather simple, in fact.
If the relationship exists for the purpose of discovering whether or not two people are meant to marry, call it courtship. If you don't like the term and you also don't like to call it dating, then call it a "serious" relationship.
If the relationship exists for the purpose of "waiting it out" for the time when two people can marry, but they already know for sure that they want to and whoever has jurisdiction over them agrees with that assessment, then forget all the courtship nonsense and just call it what it is: engagement. And if it is engagement, that means it should not be broken off by anyone other than the guy or the girl, not even the girl's father. (I am a firm believer in a father's authority over his unmarried daughter, even if she has surpassed the civil government's magical ages of adulthood, 18 or 21. However, it is a Biblical principle that a father may undo a vow made by his daughter only "in the day he hears it" [Numbers 30]. Therefore, if he gives permission for her to become engaged to a man [i.e., promise to marry him], he cannot then force her to break her vow by revoking his permission.) And the guy and girl should not break it off themselves, except extreme circumstances (such as one of them cheating with someone else), because it is a promise, a vow, a covenant, a real commitment. There doesn't have to be so much limbo.
Courtship from Afar
A whole new world has been opened. It is, on the whole, a very good thing, with some distinct advantages, but, as everyone must know, a long distance relationship comes with its own unique set of problems (as if short distance relationships were easy!). Here I will outline a few of the pros and cons of our situation.
Meeting online allowed us more time to talk. If we had met in person and had seen each other on a regular basis before getting to know one another, physical attraction could well have intruded upon our ability to objectively view one another's character and disposition. I certainly don't want to downplay the importance of physical attraction or give the impression that I think it is evil, but does have the potential affect one's judgment. Also, since all our time together was spent in one-on-one interaction on the Internet, we had nothing to do but talk. This forced us to cover a broad range of subjects, minor and major, so that we knew a great deal about one another's beliefs, ideas, personality, preferences, and way of thinking. Had we been able to frequently spend time together in person, much of this would have been lost or at least would have taken much longer to achieve, as we would likely have been involved in many activities other than conversation. Of course, the one-on-one can bring its own problems, which I will address later.
Distance renders physical temptation moot. When Jonathan and I were living 500 miles apart, we couldn't touch each other, no matter how hard we tried. I have not yet heard of anyone else succeeding in such an attempt, and since most people have fairly short arms, I tend to think it's impossible. While it is true that physical temptation is quite real when together in person, due to the emotional involvement that continues when apart, one obviously has much less opportunity to give in if there is a lot of space in between.
I knew him, but no one else did. By the time Jonathan asked for permission to enter into a courtship with me, we knew each other quite well. Right away, we knew we wanted to get married. There was no question in my mind from the beginning. But my parents did not have the opportunity to get to know him well until we were already that serious, and this created some stress: I knew, and they only suspected—strongly suspected, true, but some time had to pass before they felt certain that he was the one for me. We had permission to court, but we wanted permission to make it official. We wanted to make a commitment. Emotionally, that was very difficult.
Another potential problem with this is that if two people get to know each other fairly well and develop feelings for each other without the woman's father having any opportunity to get to know the man, it could end up that the match is not approved. Obviously, this would cause some degree of heartbreak for the couple. Of course, this is a scenario that can easily occur in a relationship that isn't long distance as well—it's just not as likely.
It limits getting to know one another in person. This is a no-brainer. Jonathan and I did not need much time together in person before we were convinced that we should be together. I have heard of couples getting engaged before they even met for the first time in person, and they seem to be perfectly happy together. But this is not true for every couple. Some need a significant amount of time to get to know one another person in the flesh. Many people are very different in person than they are online, not necessarily because they have been disingenuous, but simply due to the fact that it's a wholly different sort of situation—rather the way a person may be more outgoing in a small group of people than he is in a crowd, or vice versa. Sometimes a person needs a good deal of time to adjust to a new person, no matter how much they have spoken to one another online, in letters, or on the telephone. A person cannot be fully known apart from the flesh. God created us not only with a mind and a spirit, but also with a body, and only when these things are taken together can any of them be really understood. Even though we can always talk with emails or phone calls, we miss each other when we are physically separated. There is a need to be together in person.
It often forces one member of the couple to leave his or her family. Face it: if you find Mr. or Miss Right, you are probably going to be willing to do pretty much whatever it takes to be with him or her forever. In long distance relationships, this means that at least one of you will have to be transplanted from one place to another. Jonathan and I have been very fortunate in this regard, as his family was willing and able to move to Texas shortly after we were married, so we are all together. But that rarely happens. Someone must be willing to relocate.
I could probably think of many more advantages and disadvantages to a long distance relationship, but these are the biggest ones that come to mind. Long distance is not ideal, but in many cases, it can certainly be worth the extra trouble.
See also:
Jonathan & Rachael Courtship Story