How I’ve Learned To Get Along With My Husband

Hello, once again sisters! In the last issue I had mentioned that I had thought about writing an article about “getting along with my husband.” I also mentioned that I would save it for another issue. Well, here I am, wondering what to write. :-) I guess I shouldn’t say that I’m “wondering” what to write—I guess I’m just wondering how to put it all into words. I have so many verses and such going around in my head, just wondering where to start. I have long prayed about this article and what I should say to you sisters. I know that most of you are still single, but I also know that some of you are married and I hope that what I write will be a blessing to both. I certainly don’t want to write anything that would go against God’s commands to wives. So, with a little fear and trepidation and the knowledge that I am not “the perfect wife,” I will attempt to tell you what I have learned in the area of getting along with my husband. (Also with the knowledge that I’m going to have to practice what I preach.) :-)

David and I just celebrated our third anniversary on June 14th of this year. In some ways, it seems like we’ve been together forever. In other ways, it seems like we’re just getting to know each other again. It’s been a wonderful three years and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, even though I always used to tell people I would never get married. :-)

I’ve often heard people say that the way a young woman treats her father is most likely the way she’ll treat her husband. If that’s true, then I’m sure my father didn’t hold out much faith for me in that area, because I have always been a very strong willed young woman. My father and I tended to clash often, perhaps because we were very much the same—opinionated and stubborn. We’ve both often tried to prove the other wrong and have tried, while going blue in the face, to convert the other to our own way of thinking. There have been many times that my father and I have not gotten along, even though we love each other dearly. So you can see why I’m sure there are people that thought (and I know my own family has) if I ever had a husband, I would be a challenge as a wife.

I have a nasty, terrible habit of usually wanting my own way, like most of us humans with a sin nature do. How I wish I could get rid of that sin nature for good! I have a very independent streak in me. I also have a habit of not bending or budging when I want to be stubborn. These have all been things that I have had to either overcome or re-channel, so to speak.

I remember telling my father, long before David and I even met, “Dad, it’s just not fair. When a woman is single, she has to submit to her father, and then when she gets married, she has to submit to her husband. She’s constantly under someone. She can never be independent. The man never has to submit to anybody. Why not?” What my father told me next made me glad that I was a woman. :-) He told me that a man isn’t just on his own. He ultimately has to submit to God, and while a woman needs to submit to God as well, a man has more to be accountable for (his wife, his children, himself). And as much as I thought it wasn’t fair, I couldn’t get past God’s Word. “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” (Eph. 5:22) It didn’t matter if I didn’t want to or not. God commanded it, so therefore I had to do it. And to tell you the truth, I would much rather be a woman and submit than to be a man and have to be accountable for so much more.

Now, when I was single, it wasn’t an easy thing to submit to my father. There were times that I did submit and did it joyfully. There were times that I submitted not so joyfully. And, of course there were the times that I didn’t submit at all and reaped the consequences because of my disobedience. Since I’ve been married, I have had to learn that in order for there to be harmony between David and I, I need to be willing to submit and to do it joyfully—not only because it makes our relationship better, but because God commands it. It’s not always easy—I’ll be the first to admit that; and there have been times that I have done it begrudgingly (due to my own stubborn nature); however, over the past three years, I have learned that doing it joyfully is not only what God wants, but it will be a blessing to me and to David, as well. I also know that when David asks me to do something and I want to do my own thing, if I just do what he asks with a joyful heart, God will bless me for that. Now, please understand, I don’t submit just because I’m looking for a blessing. I’m doing it because God commands it and expects it of me. The blessing is only the reward, the outcome, a benefit. And that benefit is a happy marriage. I also know that I am responsible for submitting. David is accountable to God for what he asks me to do. I’d much rather be in the position that I’m in than to be in His shoes. :-)

There are some people who say that mentality is taking the position of a “doormat”—that those women just let their husbands walk all over them. I do agree that there are some men out there in the world who treat their wives like this, but any godly husband who is striving to follow God’s commands and has compassion would not treat his wife like this. He would also not ask his wife to do anything unbiblical or that would go against God’s commands. We are not “doormats,” we are “helpmeets.” :-)

Something that I have found that has helped me in getting along with my husband is the end of the verse I quoted earlier “...as unto the Lord.” If we submit to our husbands just like we would to the Lord, it should be a lot easier for us, shouldn’t it? Why do we often have it so easy submitting to the Lord, but find it so hard to submit to an earthly head? After all, doesn’t God require so much more from us than any earthly head does? I’m not implying that we should treat our husbands like God. :-) But we should submit to him just as easily as we do to God.

When I had my bridal shower, each of the women that were there were asked to give me a piece of advice that they thought would help me in my marriage. I remember David’s sweet great-grandmother telling me, “Never go to bed angry with each other. Always resolve any differences before you go to sleep.” You’ve all probably heard or read this verse, “...let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” (Eph. 4:26b) And I’m sure you’re probably all thinking, “She wrote on this verse in her article about getting along with her siblings.” You’re right! I did use this verse in my article in the last issue of YLCFJ. But it also holds true in getting along with your spouse. David and I, even before we got married, promised each other that we would never go to sleep without taking care of any differences that we may have had that day. We promised that we would never go to sleep angry at each other. We also promised that if we ever had a disagreement, we would try not to even wait until right before bedtime to resolve it—that we would take care of it right then and there, so we wouldn’t have to go the rest of the day upset and miserable with each other. We have tried our hardest not to even let it get to the point where we are upset with each other. We’ve found that arguing does not solve anything. It actually only makes things worse. There have been times when we’ve just had misunderstandings. We’ve been talking about the same thing, only saying it two different ways. Instead of getting upset, or yelling and screaming at each other, we try to laugh instead and resolve what may be between us. We have saved so much anger and many arguments by just talking about what’s on our minds and resolving it before it turns into a full-scale war. There have even been times that we’ve just agreed to disagree, and we’re no worse off for it.

One couple told us that they thought every couple needs to argue—that every couple needs to have a full blown argument because the making up is the best part. How sad that is! You may not believe me when I say this, but David and I have never had what you could call a “full blown argument.” Yes, it’s true! And no, we’re not perfect. It’s just that there is absolutely no need to treat each other like that. Why can’t there be harmony even when the two of you may have a few differences? Why does there need to be a reason to make up. Can’t two people live like they’re happy with one another without having to have an argument just for the sake of getting intimate with each other? Besides, what if that “full blown argument” gets so heated that neither one wants to make up? I find it so sad when two people have to argue to get along.

Now this may sound kind of odd, but to get along with each other, David and I have found that we really need to love one another. You’re all thinking, “Well, duh!” Right? Of course we love each other if we married each other, right? Yes! But there needs to be the kind of love between us that Christ has with us. John 13:34 & 35 says, “A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” We shouldn’t just love each other because we do, but we should love each other like Christ has loved each and every one of us. If we love each other like Christ loves us, we will treat each other like He treats us. We will want to serve each other like He serves us. We will want to treat each other with the kindness that He so mercifully shows us. Do you see what I’m getting at? We don’t just love each other like we can’t live without each other or like we’re immensely attracted to each other, but we strive to love each other like Christ loves us because we know that kind of love is without prejudice, without condemnation, without judgment and filled with compassion. “And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not love, it profits me nothing. Love suffers long, and is kind; love envies not. Love flaunts not and is not puffed up, does not behave rudely, does not seek gain, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails... And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:2-8a & 13) It’s no wonder that this passage is so often quoted at wedding ceremonies!

There is a beautiful picture that is hanging on our wall that was given to us as a wedding present by my cousin and her husband. I love the saying that is on it. It is called, “A Marriage Prayer.” It says, “Lord, help us to remember when we first met and the strong love that grew between us. To work that love into practical things so nothing can divide us. We ask for words both kind and loving and hearts always ready to ask forgiveness as well as forgive. Dear Lord, we put our marriage into your hands.” At one time or another in a marriage, you are going to have to say, “I’m sorry.” And at one time or another in a marriage, you are going to have to say, “Will you please forgive me?” And at one time or another in a marriage, you are going to have to say, “Yes, I forgive you.” But willing being to be humble enough to say these words is another thing. “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (Eph.4:32) When you are stubborn and don’t say you’re sorry or refuse to forgive your spouse, it makes for a very miserable marriage. I know of couples that have held grudges for years. They refuse to humble themselves to forgive or to say they’re sorry so that they can be forgiven. There have been times in our marriage, in these past three years, that I have had to swallow my pride, to humble myself and say, “David, I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me?” There are even times that he has had to ask me the same thing. Perhaps we said something the wrong way and feelings were hurt, etc. It has never been anything major, but we have learned that for our marriage to be harmonious and to get along, we need to be willing to forgive and be forgiven. After all, didn’t God forgive us? And that was for something very MAJOR. Is it too much to ask for us to forgive one another just as we, at one time, were forgiven by Him? And not just to forgive, but to do it with kindness and tender hearts, just like God has done with us.

But what about actually doing it? I struggled with humility when I was single, especially when I was younger. I remember getting my last spanking at age 14! I was a tough cookie. There were times that I refused to say I was sorry, that I refused to humble myself and ask forgiveness when I disobeyed. I remember that last spanking. I even remember what I got it for and I really did deserve it. I had talked back to my mother in a very disrespectful way. I refused to say I was sorry to either of my parents and more importantly, I refused to say I was sorry to God. I refused to ask for forgiveness and therefore, my father disciplined me. I even refused to cry when he disciplined me! Talk about being stubborn and full of pride! You can see why my parents thought I was going to be a challenge to any man that married me. J Now, my husband isn’t going to discipline me, but I learned that to make a marriage work and to get along with each other, I needed to, with God’s grace and help, overcome that prideful spirit and learn to be humble. There is so much reward in being humble. Just listen to these promises! “Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of Heaven.” (Matthew 18:4) “For whosoever exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.” (Luke 14:11) “But He giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace to the humble.” (James 4:6)

I know that for some of you marriage is a long way off, and for others of you, God may have singleness in mind. But I wanted to share with you the things that I have found that have helped David and I to get along and that are consistent with the Scriptures. For those whom God has chosen to remain single but married to Him, these principles can be used in getting along with others, even though there may not be an earthly husband in God’s plan for you. And for those of you older women that are married, I realize you probably have figured these principles out already, but I hope you are blessed in some way by what I have shared.

May God bless you all as you learn to get along and live harmoniously with whomever God has placed you, according to His commands.

Because He lives and forgives,
Erika Martin
erikaerin@ivillage.com