On Not Going Away to
College
Part Two: A Response
By Mrs. Jennie Chancey
Since
sharing in the Winter 2001 issue a brief correspondence I had with a young
woman on the “college decision,” I have received several e-mails and one letter
either asking further questions or postulating other options for single women.
It has been a pleasure to hear from young ladies of varied backgrounds and
interests, and particularly to see a desire to understand God’s design for
womanhood—especially as that design relates to college, careers and other
future concerns for single and married women.
I would
like to expand upon and clarify some of the issues raised in my article (which
really was just a series of responses to a real e-mail correspondent). My
desire in all of this is not to beat a dead horse or to push all other opinions
into the background, but to encourage us all to delve deeply into the well of
Scripture. We must be careful not to rely upon our own feelings or wishes when
it comes to such important, life-changing decisions as our education, future
relationships and “careers” in this world. Yes, there is room for debate upon
many issues that may not seem clear from Scripture, but we must commit to put
ourselves under the yoke (and it is an “easy” one!) of God’s Word, asking the
Holy Spirit to tame our own wills to His perfect one.
By
coming out so firmly against a young woman going away to college, I provoked
some very strong reactions—all of which I appreciate and wish to consider
carefully. Let me therefore take time to answer the most common objections. I
hope it will be obvious that I do not condemn those who have a different belief
about this matter than I. Rather, I hope that where I am not in conformity to
the Word of God, others will steer me closer to it. And, with the same love and
concern for my sisters, I hope that readers will also react by running to their
Bibles and seeking the Lord’s will from its entire counsel. “All Scripture is
given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for
correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God
may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work” (I Tim. 3:16-17).
Objection #1: “A woman really only needs to stay home if she
has children. Before that, she can have a career, and that means she’d need to
go to college first for career training.”
Answer: When a woman marries, she becomes one with her
husband. His interests become immediately and intimately her own. Her desire in
life should be to further her own husband’s interests and make him successful
by being the best wife she can possibly be. Her job is to free him from home
concerns so that he can “contend in the gates” with the other men. She needs to
do such a good job at home that her husband can put full confidence in her and
literally never worry that she is incapable of running the home, tending to
guests, managing the servants or teaching the children. She is not called to submit
to anyone else’s husband but her own. To take a job out in the world and submit
to male bosses and managers requires her to come under the guidance and
direction of other men (in many cases someone else’s husband). This directly
violates Titus 2:5, which exhorts married women to “be obedient to their own husbands” (emphasis mine). And
what if children never come? Is the wife then fully and completely freed from
being one with her own husband, since she has no children to “tie” her to the
home? Surely not! We have no such precedents in all of Scripture. The Proverbs
31 woman, who has varied interests and “careers” within the home does all
beneath the auspices of her own husband—she is not the employee of the
merchants to whom she sells her wares. Now, that said, the question comes up
about a single girl working outside of the home. As I mentioned in my
correspondence, Scripture does give
us examples of women working as midwives (nurses) and servant girls. Because of
the scriptural exhortations about modesty—particularly against a man looking
upon a woman who is not his wife—I believe that only women should be midwives
or gynecologists to other women. But I do not believe that a woman who is
called to marry and bear children should become a doctor or nurse (someone who
must obey the demands of her job rather than her home). Midwifery is an
especially good pursuit for older women who have finished raising their
children and can serve other women in this capacity from home. However, Paul
tells us clearly that there are some who are called to be single for life. This
is a very special calling, since it means that the person is a born eunuch—one
who has zero desire to marry or have children. I know of one dear woman friend
who has such a calling and has used her talents to minister to other women
full-time by serving as a nurse practitioner. Praise God for her work! It is
much needed. But it is done without sacrificing home life, husband or
children…as God intended. Any lifework pursued by a single woman should be work
particularly suited to a woman—not a career that will bring her into direct
competition with men or force her to behave like a man.
Objection #2: “But if your husband died, you’d need a career to
fall back upon. It isn’t fair for your family to have to provide for you if you
become a widow.”
Answer: Again and again we have to fight our notions of
what seems “fair” and turn instead to the clear commands of Scripture. The Word
of God on widows is as clear as clear can be from the beginning to the end of
the Bible. Exodus and Leviticus both contain passages on not afflicting the
widow but providing for her (Ex. 22:22; Lev. 22:13). Deuteronomy exhorts its
readers to provide directly for widows by letting them glean the fields and by
laying aside a tithe for their sustenance (Deut. 24:19-22; 26:12 – see also
Ruth 2:8). God promises to bless those who provide for the fatherless and the
widow. The question about the Levitical passage on the priest’s daughter is
easily answered. If a woman had children, the children were expected to provide
for their mother (since they received the inheritance from the father, and the
eldest son received a double portion specifically in order to care for his
widowed mother or other needy family members). If the woman was childless, she
was to return to her father’s household and/or remarry. This holds true when we
get into the New Testament commands for widows: “Honor widows who are really
widows. But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them
first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good
and acceptable before God” (I Tim. 5:3,4). Timothy goes on to say that a widow
indeed (one who for some reason has no children to look after her) is either to
remarry (if she is under 60) or to be supported by the church (if she is over
60 and has lived a blameless life, “reported for good works,” raising her own
children, welcoming strangers and washing the feet of the saints). She is not
to support herself by leaving home and taking up a “career.” If this were the
case, Paul would not have remarked that young widows “learn to be idle,
wandering about from house to house, and not only idle but also gossips and
busybodies, saying things which they ought not” (verse 13). If they had jobs
outside of the home, they wouldn’t be wandering the neighborhood, idling about
and gossiping. Thus Paul desires “that the younger widows marry, bear children,
manage the house, give no opportunity to the adversary to speak reproachfully”
(14). Echoing Paul, James tells us that “pure and undefiled religion before God
the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble…” (James
1:27). It is not “unfair” to have to care for the needy in our own families. It
is “pure and undefiled religion.” Paul restates his exhortation thus, “If any
believing man or woman has widows, let them relieve them, and do not let the
church be burdened, that it may relieve those who are really widows” (I Tim
5:16). In other words, if a family does not provide for its widows, the family
is burdening the Church. It is the family’s duty—nay, privilege!—to provide for
its own. I believe our difficulty with these passages in our day is that we
have come to believe the humanistic lies of our culture—lies which tell us that
we must rely upon ourselves; that we are sufficient in ourselves. This
contradicts Scripture, which reminds us that we are needy and that we are all
to rely upon God and upon the ones He has appointed to be over us (fathers,
husbands, and—believe it or not!—our children when we have grown old and in
need of their care).
Objection #3: “There are some situations where staying at home
and caring for children can be done, but not everyone is in this situation, so
they have to find alternatives. For people in tough situations, it isn’t a sin
to disobey God’s commands for wives and mothers.”
Answer: Now we get into the dangerous and cloudy area of
“situational ethics.” The argument runs thus, “God’s commands are ideals for us
all, but not everyone can meet the ideal, and that’s okay for them, because
they are in a situation that makes the ideal impossible.” In other words, if I
am in an “ideal” situation but I choose not to follow God’s commands, it is a
sin. But if I am in a less than ideal situation and do not follow God’s
commands, it isn’t a sin, because I have no choice. Sisters! Consider carefully
before you head down this beckoning pathway! It is a tempting one, because we
do not like to feel that we are being “unreasonable” or “judgmental” when we
exhort others to follow after Christ. I have heard this argument used many
times when people respond to commands they either do not like, do not choose to
follow or just don’t understand. To give just one example, I have heard
Christian brothers and sisters declare that child discipline and training is
really a matter of individual choice. If you don’t like spanking, you don’t
have to do it. They might have “tried” God’s method of discipline but given up
when “it didn’t work.” To say that God’s commands “do not work” or “are not
practical today” is to call God a liar and say His promises are null and void.
God clearly commands parents to spank their children with the rod (Proverbs
23:13-14). He also commands that parents exhort and rebuke their children
without anger so that they may learn self-discipline and the fear of the Lord
(Proverbs 29:15; Ephesians 6:4). When God gives us a clear command, we cannot
look for ways to excuse it out of existence. Yes, there are difficult
situations where it may become hard to obey the Word of God, but this does not
mean it will be impossible (I Cor. 10:13; James 1:13). Now, let me qualify that
plain statement by saying that there are
situations given in Scripture where a person appears to commit one sin to avoid another. The first example that
comes to mind is that of Rahab the harlot hiding the two spies when they came
to spy out Jericho. She deceived the officials who came looking for the men in
order to spare the men’s lives. Thus, she practiced deception in order to avoid
causing the murder of the two men. At first blush, it appears that Rahab sinned
(lying about the men), but this deception was not considered a sin, because it
was done to protect life. In some
contexts, deception is appropriate and even commanded by God (see I Samuel
16:2-5), just as some types of killing are commanded and not considered murder.
Again, we have to be careful. God never forces anyone to sin and does not tempt
us to sin (James 1:13). We have to be guided by Scripture alone when we try to
figure out what God would have us do in sticky situations. There is never a time when we must sin in order
to obey God. Another example is of Daniel when he refused to obey the king’s
law commanding him to pray to no other god but the king. Daniel disobeyed the
one in authority over him to avoid praying to a false god. This disobedience
was not sinful, since it was necessary in order to remain faithful to God.
There are times when we will all come to a point of decision where it appears
we must choose one of two evils. The example brought up most often is the one
of a girl who is commanded by her parents to go away to college or to get a
job. Is the girl to obey her parents and therefore disobey God’s command that
she learn from the older women to “be discreet, chaste, [a] homemaker, good, obedient
to [her] own husband…?” Or is she to disobey her parents to avoid what she
feels might be a greater evil? This truly does seem a terrible puzzle! And it
is certainly not something we should ever approach lightly or flippantly.
Ultimately, we (particularly as women) are under earthly authorities and must
respect and obey them. We cannot just whimsically choose to obey some of their
commands while throwing others aside. Only a very grave and serious decision
should ever call us to question a command—and even then, the questioning must
be done biblically and humbly. How do we biblically question a command? First
of all, the command would have to be one that immediately gave us pause or
pricked our consciences. [Now, if your parents told you to go out and become a
prostitute, the choice would be clear and the answer would be obvious. But it
is when we get into subtler areas that we start to feel unsure of how to
proceed.] In the instance of a young woman leaving home to become independent
(either emotionally or financially), the command should give her pause.
Scripture clearly teaches that the woman is not independent of the man (I Cor.
11; I Tim 2:13). She was created to be under the direct authority of a man
(either her father, her husband, or church elders if she is an elderly widow).
In this way, she is protected from false doctrine (I Tim. 3:6), kept from
foolish pursuits or idleness (I Tim. 5:13), and taught by those who will direct
her in the way she should go (Titus 2:3-5). Women have a greater tendency to be
deceived than do men (I Tim. 2:14), therefore, they require greater protection
in this area (including direct oversight of what and how they are taught). Our
modern ears rebel at this teaching. We feel slighted and insulted that God’s
Word would place us in this vulnerable position—but the truth cannot be denied!
This is our nature. We were fashioned to follow. We were designed to depend
upon others. This is good! This is not something to be “overcome!” In addition,
it is part of our fallen nature as women to desire knowledge of things we do
not need to pursue and desire to be out from under authority. This is how Satan
lured Eve into sin. He made it sound like God was hiding something good from
Eve and preventing her from reaching her “full potential.” This, my sisters, is
the lie of feminism today! So, what is to be done if a girl feels convicted
from Scripture that she should not go away from home to college or to start a
career while her parents insist she must? First of all, she must make a humble
appeal based upon her understanding of the Bible’s teaching on womanhood,
authority and submission. She must not appeal based upon her own fears or
wants. If her parents disagree with her understanding of Scripture, then she
could ask them if they would be willing to study the issue with her, going over
both sides and considering each carefully. If this is accomplished and the
parents still feel the girl should go out on her own, she can make an appeal to
a brother or sister in Christ (according to Matthew 18) and ask them to serve
as an objective arbiter in the situation. But if all these avenues are
exhausted after a humble, biblical appeal and the parents still insist the girl
leave home, I do believe that she should obey her parents, praying that God
protect her from harm while she is away from home. This is precisely what
happened to me. Ultimately, I went away to college in obedience to my parents.
Did my parents later realize it was a bad decision? Yes. Did God finally work
good from this? Of course! In His sovereign will, he worked everything for my
good (Romans 8:28). Looking back, we also know that he used the experience for
my parents’ good and for my sister (my parents decided in the end that college
was not a good idea for my sister and allowed her to quit after one semester).
Although the experience is not one I would choose to repeat if I had the
chance, I am thankful for all the good that came about through it. Still, when
it comes down to it, a young woman is right to obey her parents in this matter.
You can pray that God will change their hearts, but, ultimately, you need to
obey them if they do not agree with your convictions. You can be confident that
the Lord will protect you. You can also seek out a godly “home away from home”
while you are at college (as I did with a wonderful family from a church in my
college’s town). You want to remain submissive and humble, praying for the
Lord’s guidance as you select your course of study. You also want to remain
pure (and girls, do not deceive yourselves that this will be easy, even at a
Christian college—the best policy is to steer clear of male “study buddies” and
remain politely, serenely aloof from the male-female goings-on at your typical
college campus).
Objection #4: “But there are a lot of Christian women who have
worked outside the home and done good things for God and for others. Can’t we
follow their example?”
Answer: God is
sovereign and does make “all things
work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called
according to His purpose “ (Rom. 8:28), but this does not give us an
excuse to sin. This is precisely Paul’s point in Romans 6, when he writes,
“Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound?” (verse 1b). We can look back
in history and see hundreds (if not thousands) of examples of good coming out
of evil or wrong situations. Think of all the women preachers of the 19th
century—many of them saw hundreds of people converted to Christ. But does this
make it right for women to become preachers? I Corinthians 4:34-35 and Timothy
2:11-12 make it plain that this is absolutely wrong. Similarly, we cannot look
at the good that other “independent” women have done and conclude that God
would like us to follow in their footsteps. Instead, we should marvel with
thankfulness that God can and does work “all things according to the counsel of
His will” (Eph. 1:11) – even our sins! This is our great hope—but it is not our
goal in life to sin and have God use our mistakes for good!
Conclusion: I want to make it exceedingly clear that I am not
at all against the education of
women. As I mentioned in my previous article, the biblical standard for
womanhood is a very high one indeed. This woman is thoughtful, kind, wise, well
taught, able to manage intricate household affairs, conduct business from the
home and bring up God-fearing children who reverence the Lord and obey their
authorities. She is not a lame-brained, childish ninny who cannot think her way
out of a paper bag! She is not a chain around her husband’s neck, constantly
dragging him down because of her ignorance and inability. As the great Mr.
Knightly told would-be matchmaker Emma, “Men of sense, whatever you may choose
to say, do not want silly wives!” Because of this, a broad liberal arts education
(one that includes great writing, history, art, music, science and math all
taught from a biblical perspective) is a fantastic thing for a woman. My
question isn’t whether or not a woman should
receive such an education, but from
whom and where she should receive it. Does it jive with Scripture to have a
young woman leave her authorities, go out on her own as an independent entity
and study topics which should have no bearing upon her future (career-oriented
studies or training)? And, in particular, is it wise for a young woman to study
side-by-side with young men, competing with them for the laurels and learning
how to be breadwinners instead of helpmates? For those women who are called to
a celibate, single life and who have been gifted in certain areas, a course of
training to become a woman’s doctor or nurse may, indeed, be in order. In that
case, I would still submit that she needed to remain at home under her parents’
authority while receiving that training. If a move to another state was
required in order to attend a school, I would submit that, instead of going out
on her own and living on campus, that young woman should seek a godly family
with whom she can live during her time away from home and to whom her parents
can entrust her.
My
chief point in all of this discourse is to call all of us to God’s Standard.
Let us not appeal to our own feelings, intellect or opinions before “searching
the Scriptures.” And, again, where I am not in conformity to the Word of God, I
am receptive to and thankful for correction. This is sanctification, and I
expect it never to cease until I am in the grave! We can expect people to think
we are odd or backward when we cling to God’s standards for womanhood. Jesus
Himself prayed for us before His crucifixion, saying, “I have given them Your
word; and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I
am not of the world. I do not pray that You should take them out of
the world, but that You should keep them from the evil one. They are
not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify them by
Your truth. Your word is truth” (John 17:14-17). Our sanctification comes about
by our increasing conformity to God’s Word through the grace of Christ Jesus (I
Cor. 3:18). When we have questions about a command of God’s, our immediate
reaction should be to run to the Word for direction and to run to our
authorities with our questions, making a thorough study of the issue and not
trusting our own hearts (Jeremiah 17:9). Understand, I am not asking us to be Pharisees!
The Pharisees deceived themselves into thinking they were in good standing with
God because of their own “excellent” works. But they invented laws to obey and
bound others to obey laws that God did not create! Yet where God has given a
clear command, we must joyfully submit to it and obey. I have already said that
Scripture does not say, “Women shall not go away to college.” It also does not
say, “Thou shalt not take drugs” or “Thou shalt not watch X-rated movies.” But
we know these things are wrong because the Scriptures tell us so indirectly (I
Cor. 6:19; Ps. 101:3, for example).
Our
question to ourselves as young women must be, “What would God have me do as a woman?” Then we begin our search at
Genesis and continue through the entire counsel of God to the end, learning by
direct command and indirect example. What, ultimately, are we to prepare for
(whether we are called to marriage or to celibacy)? In the end, we are called
to glorify God in our thoughts, speech and deeds. Is there a way to glorify God
that is distinctly feminine? You bet! It is not hidden from us in God’s Word.
Are we to be subject to someone else as women? Without a doubt. Our authorities
are clearly laid out for us in Scripture (parents, husbands, elders, etc.). Do
we often chafe at the thought that we must always be under someone else’s
direction and authority? Absolutely! But that is our “old man” talking, and we
are to put that old man to death daily by taking up our cross and following
Christ. We must die to our own desires, dreams, ambitions and plans. When we
do, we find that we are resurrected to a glorious new life with plans far
better than we could have created for ourselves. This is the secret of
Christianity. It is the “foolishness” the world cannot understand. “Die in order to live?!” they ask. “Be last in order to be first? This makes no
sense!” Yet it is our calling in Christ. I challenge all of us to seek our
calling as women from Christ and His perfect Word. This is the challenge I face
every day of my life when I get up. Will I attack yet another sinkful of dishes joyfully, or will I grumble at my
lot? Will I patiently admonish my children with the “law of kindness” on my
tongue, or will I fly off the handle and push my children aside? Will I happily
obey my husband, calling him “lord,” or will I secretly cherish thoughts of
insurrection in my heart at my “inferior” role? I must submit my thoughts to
the rule of the Word—not the whims of the world. Let the feminists cluck their
tongues and make fearful predictions about our futures (“Oh, but what if your
husband dies and you have no money!” “How can you be so backward? A woman has
to think for herself these days!” “Once you reach 18, honey, you are your own woman!”). We have the secret of
deep, abiding joy, and it is our inheritance in Christ. Let us be women! Let us
relish our roles, “that the Word of God may not be blasphemed.”
And do not be conformed to this world, but be
transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good
and acceptable and perfect will of God. -Romans 12:2
Jennie
Chancey is the wife of Matthew Chancey and the mother of three little
boys. She enjoys reading, writing,
cooking, and running a custom sewing and pattern design business.
Writer
her at: jenniec@sensibility.com
Visit
her website: www.ladiesagainstfeminism.com