The
first time that I gave a second thought to dating was when I turned 15 years
old. My aunt had given me the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris
for my birthday and as I read through it I began to realize that dating was not
the most perfect way to find a future spouse. I was also confused though,
because if you don’t date then what do you do?! A short while after that I
first heard about courtship, and while I agreed with most of it, there were
parts of courtship that sounded less then perfect. I was stuck between a rock
and a hard place for a while, not knowing how I was going to even begin to find
a future spouse. Being only 15 years old at the time though, I was still
content being single and was in no hurry to begin my search for a husband. Then
the thought struck me that it was not my place to even search for a husband
because when the time was right God would lead the right man to me. That
thought set my mind at ease and I went on enjoying being single and young and
not having to worry about the dating scene.
When I turned
16 years old my mom subscribed to a magazine for homesteaders titled Countryside. Being an avid writer as
well as a “country girl” I felt compelled to write an article for the magazine
about homeschooling and my experiences with it. My article was printed in the
spring 1999 issue along with my address so that like-minded people could write.
I soon heard from many people, many of them with the same interests as I had. I
gained many friendships through the mail and corresponded regularly with many
of those who wrote, both females and males of all ages. One of my new-found pen
pals stood out from the others mainly because we could relate to many of the
same things. His name was Benjamin and
he was from West Virginia. Having been writing to both male and female friends
since the young age of ten years old, it was only natural to me to find that
this male was becoming a good friend of mine.
We continued to be impressed by each other’s letters because we had so
much in common. Our correspondence continued for months, both of us answering
each other’s letters soon after we received them. We wrote about all kinds of
things – hiking, gardening, reading, hunting, animals, our life experiences,
etc.
About six
months after the beginning of our correspondence Ben shared his feelings with
me; that he was becoming attached to me and had feelings that were more than
friendship for me. I wasn’t really surprised when I read that letter, although
I was a bit perplexed. At first I thought, “How can you fall in love with
someone through the mail?” After thinking and praying about the whole situation
I realized that Ben wasn’t the only one with those kinds of feelings and
replied to his letter (after speaking with my mom about it), sharing my
thoughts and feelings with him. We both agreed that it was best to only stay
friends though, considering that we lived more than six hundred miles from each
other (I was living in Iowa). We continued our friendship and managed to remain
only friends. We encouraged each other through the mail, listened to each
other’s problems, and just shared thoughts with each other. About a year after
we first wrote we had our first phone conversation. I was nervous when I
realized it was he on the phone (I’m not much of a phone person to begin with!)
but we had an enjoyable conversation. After that we talked on the phone a
couple times a month as well as continued writing. The phone calls began to
happen more often and the conversations became longer with each call.
We both knew
that no matter how hard we tried to “stay just friends” it just wasn’t
possible, since we both still had feelings for each other. About two years after
beginning our correspondence we met for the first time but felt as though we
had known each other for years. I truly felt as though I had known Ben forever
and right when I met him it felt as though we were old friends that had seen
each other in person often. During that ten-day visit we got engaged and
planned for the wedding to be five months later. That visit helped me get to
know him and his family better. During the visit, even after we became engaged,
it was still more like a visit between two old friends. Yes, of course we both
shared romantic feelings for each other, but we spent those days talking,
spending time with family, watching movies together, and just getting to know
each other better. I was never uncomfortable around Ben, and nether of us felt
as though we needed to try to impress each other by being someone that we
weren’t. Our visit showed our true selves, just as our letters had done before.
Our parents were excited and supported us in
our decision and most of the people close to us supported us as well; but there
were some people that didn’t understand the whole situation. Many concerns were
expressed: “You don’t know him well enough”, “You can’t get to know someone
enough through letters”, etc. The fact of the matter is that I feel as though
you can get to know someone through the mail just as well as you can get to
know someone face to face…if not a little better. Ben and I started our letter
writing as friends and we shared so much about ourselves…our thoughts, dreams,
temperaments, etc. We weren’t trying to impress each other like so many couples
that date. We had the train of thought,
“like me as I am” and let each other see our true selves. As we grew closer
there was no problem of physical temptation (which can get some couples in a
dating relationship into trouble), as we were more than six hundred miles away.
The only thing “missing” from our whole relationship was the physical
aspect, and that is just fine with me—no temptations, no lust, no mistakes or
regrets. It was love in its purest form: true, innocent, and wholesome.
Some people
still don’t understand how we met and how it could work out. The world sees
dating as the only way to meet a spouse and anything different from that is
considered odd or impossible. I didn’t go searching for a spouse…I let God do
the searching and leading. Never would I have imagined that I would meet
someone through the mail and get married to him a few years later. It all seems
like something out of a fairy tale, something that sounds wonderful but
couldn’t possibly happen in real life. But fairy tales can and do come true.
All we need to do is trust in God to lead us to the right relationship at the
right time and let His hand be in it the whole time. Whether you plan on dating
or courting, or just letting a relationship “happen,” put your trust in God.
Don’t overwhelm yourself and spend your time thinking about a future
relationship. Enjoy your single time and use it to the fullest. Learn
housekeeping skills, help teach your younger brothers and sisters, use these
single years to grow closer to God. And remember…fairy tales do come true. :-)
More thoughts from the writer: I’d like to make it clear that this
article is to show that there are more than one or two ways to meet your future
spouse. Everyone has an unusual or different story to tell about when and how
they met…mine may be different from ones that you have heard before or maybe
you do know a couple that met through the mail. I feel it is important to point
out that my family was involved in this “relationship”, although my parents did
leave all the decisions up to me. I was under 18 years of age when Ben and I
began writing, and my parents had no objection with me writing to a male. I had
male pen pals before Ben, and both my parents know that it is possible for a
female and male to be friends and nothing else. As long as you think of your male friends the same way that you
think of your female friends (as a friend and a brother/sister in Christ) then
I don’t see why there should be a problem. I shared things about Ben with my
parents and never kept anything from them. They supported our decision when we
became engaged (and expected that to happen) and have supported me the whole
way. Ben’s family wasn’t really involved, mainly because Ben was older when our
relationship started (22 years of age) and they left all his decisions up to
him. I feel it is important for a family to be involved and to approve of the
person and the relationship. Even after the age of 18, I feel it is important
to look to your parents for guidance and support…remember, they went through
all this before and have more wisdom than we do. It is wise to let your family
be involved, instead of the traditional manner of dating where couples tend to
distance themselves from everyone else and spend too much time alone. And remember, turn your relationship over to
God!!
Benjamin (23) and Elizabeth (19) Flesher were married on
May 5, 2001. They enjoy hiking, animals, reading, talking, and just spending
time together. They would love to hear from other couples (young or old) and
also those interested or involved in a “different kind of relationship.” b_flesher@juno.com