DR. SCIENCE FIRED!

We regret this announcement, but the popular Dr. Science has been fired and will no longer appear in New Attitude. Acting on an anonymous tip, the editors of New Attitude checked into Dr Science’s education history and found his diploma from The School of All Scientific Knowledge was to be a fake. This issue features the questions he was answering before we physically threw him out of our offices. Fortunately, a replacement has answered our personal ad, “Scientist knowing everything needed. No fakes!” His name is Professor Know, and we like him much better. Make Prof. Know feel welcome by sending him your questions on anything. Mail to: Prof. Know, 6920 S.E. Hogan, Gresham, OR 97080.

Dear Dr. Science ,

Is there any use in the world for algebra?

Amy Frustratione, Asheville, NC

Yes, it’s doing a fine job of dissuading some people from a career in the sciences. You see, there really aren’t that many jobs out there for even the most brilliant number crunchers, so it’s in the best interests of all involved to spare any more students years of humiliation and drudgery, only to find a career as a bicycle messenger or file clerk. Actually, there’s a more complicated form of algebra called “calculus” that was invented when too many people seemed to be slipping over the first hurdle. If the job market continues to tighten, I’ m sure they’ll come up with something even more difficult and useless.

Dear Dr. Science,

Is it really true no two snowflakes are alike?

M.H., Fannington Hills, MI

The comparison of ice crystals is just a scam to get kids interested in science. It’s just like saying a thousand chimps in a thousands years could write a Shakespeare play or cramming a bunch of kids in a lab to make hydrogen bark. These educational techniques are good ways to get kids interested, but I’m not going to put a thousand apes in my lab any more than I’m going to go out with a microscope in subzero temperatures to compare the crystal structure of snowflakes. I had an Aunt Crystal and a girlfriend named Crystal who weren’t a bit alike, but I don’t suppose that proves anything.

Dear Dr. Science,

Where did barn swallows live before people had barns ?

Dorothy Chandler, Madison, WI

They lived in motels and were referred to, quite naturally, as “motel swallows”. A lot of what goes on in your average motel is hard to swallow, but that never stopped the aggressive little birds, who didn’t care where they parked their feathers as long as it had cable TV and an ice machine down the hall.

Thank you, Dr. Science!