I have dated in the past. In my youth group as long as  the guy or gal you date is a Christian, then it’s okay. I had never heard of courtship. If I had, I would have been spared a lot of pain. I dated some guys in my youth group, and because I would not let things move into a physical relation­ship, these guys always found someone else to date.

    It hurt a lot because even though physically I had been pure, emotion­ally I became attached to one guy after another.

   I feel that the church is giving a mixed message. If we’re to physically pure, then it should be just as important to be emotionally pure.

   That is why I chose to stop dating and wait until I’m ready for marriage to become emotionally involved. It has been hard not to become emo­tionally involved again, but not dating has helped! My friends have always thought I was different because I’m home schooled and have different stan­dards. But I know that they only wish that they had enough courage to do what’s not always popular.

Jessica Cram—Wyoming, MN • Age 18

To me the easy way out when people ask me how come I don’t date is just to say my parents won’t let me. I know that’s a really wimpy answer, dumping on them like that, but I have to admit I hesitate to use the word “courtship” even when I do explain my decision about dating.

   I have friends who are constantly falling in “love” with one girl after another. If ever I start having thoughts like, oh, wouldn’t it be great to take a beautiful girl out to dinner, all I have to do is look at how some of my friends swoon over their women.

   “My life is over! I think what’s-her-name is mad at me; she has­n’t called me all day!”

    Oh, puh-Ieeze. Give me a break! What a waste of time.

    I once saw a guy pass a fresh stick of gum all the way around a room full of people. Lots of people touched it. When it got back to him, it looked so gross; I’m talking black and hairy! That gum is like me dating lots of different people and sharing my love with them, even if it’s just a peck on the cheek. When I get married, do I want to give my wife a fresh stick of gum or a grode­mahode blob?

Will Humble—Bay City, TX • Age 16

When people ask me about dating or ask if l have a boyfriend, I try to respond humbly, explaining my convictions without press­ing anything on them. I explain that I don’t date because I believe dating is preparation for divorce. The mentality, “If this person doesn’t work, I’ll break up and find someone who does” goes against God’s stan­dards and only results in heartache. I explain that I don’t see anything wrong with friendships between mem­bers of the opposite sex, but problems occur when the relationship becomes deeper than a friendship. People will then usually ask, “How does courtship work?” I tell them I will wait until a guy, a strong Christian, talks to my Dad and tells him he feels I could be his future wife. Both fami­lies will then begin praying and spending time together. If at some point someone does­n’t feel at peace, maybe the two people aren’t intended for marriage; but there is no emotional hurt because the two never became emotional­ly attached. I want to be a virgin both physically and emotionally when I get mar­ried.

      Dating is like giving some­one the keys to a gorgeous, red sports car and allowing them to touch it, sit in it, even put the key in the ignition, but not allow­ing them to drive. I want to wait until I can drive and experience the fullness of marriage. “Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes,

wait for the Lord.” (Psalm 27:14)

Becky Chandler—Hood River, OR • Age 15

If you are planning on courting, you’d better have some answers ready! Your peers may still think you’re crazy, but guys will respect you a little more than they will admit. Here are a few good comebacks to have ready:

      “If we should pray ‘lead us not into temptation’ (Matt. 6:1 3), then why would we walk into it on our own? If you look at the statistics, you realize it’s hard enough for teens to remain physically pure let alone emotionally. And when you go out on a date, you are fighting those temptations the whole time.”

      “Dating prepares you for divorce rather than marriage. After you’ve dated several guys, it gets easier to breakup. A friend once told me, ‘It’s hard at first, but after awhile you get used to it.’ This is not a pattern I want to carry into marriage.”

      I have lots of people ask me what the difference is between courting and dating. They seem to think the only difference is you do things with your family (instead of alone). You have to explain courting is not just for enter­tainment. Its purpose is to get to know the person you believe may be the one God has called you to marry. So naturally you would not court until you are prepared for marriage.

Jennifer Tankersley— Weatherford, TX • Age 15

I am fourteen years old and the main reason I do not intend to date when I get old enough is that when you’re “going steady” with someone, your emotions are completely centered on, and wrapped up in, that person. When you break up, as you prob­ably will (very few people date only one person during their teenage years), there will be an emotional ripping apart and a scar will form (an even worse one if you were sexually involved). I also believe that the whole breaking-up process makes it easi­er to “throw in the towel” and get a divorce later on. After all, the only differ­ence between a divorce and breaking up with your boyfriend is that you now have a lawyer’s fee to worry about.

Tessi Dawn Muskrat—Eldridge, MO • Age 14

When teens date, we squash our own hobbies and inter­ests in deference to those we are “going with”, only to break out in fits of selfish­ness after marriage. All around me I see marriages based on “his and her” cars, closets, and vacations, and I wonder how long these marriages will last. I foresee that by pursuing my interests now, I should be able to totally bypass this problem and be ready to “serve” my wife and family when the time comes. Another advantage of not dating is my freedom to have friendships with young women. They know right up front that I don’t date. The advantage to me is that there’s no tension or jealousy in the relationship. When I wake up in the morning, sometimes it’s hard enough figuring out where my moods are coming from, let alone having them compounded by a special relationship on the rocks.

    I am not wild about the theory of dating, either. From where I sit, dating and “breaking up” gives the appearance of “pretend” marriage and divorce. I should know. Both of my parents have gone through it—and me with them. My parents are rebuilders—divorced and then remarried. This happened before they were Christians, and fortunately, the Bible shows us God’s ability to use repentant “failures” (like David and Bathsheba or Saul on the Damascus road). But they (and I) would tell you that it was not God’s best in their lives. Since my par­ents have a weakness in this area and I am their son, I will also be susceptible. I need the best head start I can get. For me, dating is no game.

Seth O’Hara— Powder Springs, GA. Age 16

“To Date or not to Date? That is the question.” Not! But why? Shakespeare said it best; “Pleasure will be paid at one time or another.” And face it, we date because it’s fun. The cost can be great, though, whether it’s heartbreak, losing your friends, or los­ing your par­ents’ trust. At this time in my life, I’m still not ready to risk so much for just some guy I know. When I do, it will be for the man I plan to marry. Until that time, I’m satisfied to be “just friends.”

Beth Humble—Bay City, Texas • Age 18

When I think about my decision to be committed to the Godly principals of courtship, I am sur­prised that I haven’t faced more opposi­tion! I guess part of it is because people who know me figure, “That’s just the way she is because she’s in the ATIA pro­gram!” And they leave it at that. Others who know how busy I am probably fig­ure I don’t have the time to begin any relationships anyway.

      But there are two experiences which I’ve had in dealing with the subject of courtship with other people that really stand out in my mind. The first was when I was baby-sit­ting an infant and his moth­er came home; and we got into a conversation about home schooling. She asked if I had a boyfriend. I told her I did not, because I believed in courtship, and felt I was too young to be seeking after those kinds of relationships. What surprised me about ~this particular conversation was that, where other conversations usually ended there, and I rarely needed to explain myself further, she continued to question me about every aspect of courtship. I suddenly found myself very Unprepared and began to dig desperately for solid answers to her probing questions! But God got me through it, and I at least felt satisfied that I had been able to stand my ground, in spite of my inward insecuri­ty.

      The second experience was more recent, arid although there were fewer words exchanged, it really shook me up. I was attending a driver’s ed course. I was tak­ing an evening make-up class, so I wasn’t familiar with the other students there. Most of them were very “worldly”. To be honest, I felt very lonely and SCARED! During a break, I hurried out the door into the cold, trying to avoid the worst two of the class, who were out smoking. The bigger, fiercer one called out to me, “You got a boyfriend?” It totally took me by surprise! I was scared stiff.

      “No, I don’t.”

      “Why not?” They were taunting me, testing me out.

      “Because I’m not old enough to get married, and I don’t see any point in dat­ing someone if the goal isn’t marriage.” You know what they said? “Oh, that’s O.K.” And they let me go! I felt so relieved! I think the Holy Spirit was giv­ing me the courage to face them.

      I guess my point in all this is that if we really make a commitment to God, He will carry us through the “interroga­tions” and tests. He will give us the most effective things to say so that we can make a positive impact on whoever asks us about our beliefs.

Sarah Button—St. Paul, MN.Agel4

Ever since my parents decided courtship was for us, I have always enjoyed answering the question, “So when are you allowed to date?” My favorite part is when I answer, “Never,” and the questioner looks at me like I have two heads.”

    But seriously, I do get a little nervous when the question pops up. I mean, how do you know how they will take it? Will they nQd their head knowingly, when you know they haven’t understood whole idea and act like it’s the most stu­pid thing they’ve ever heard? Surprisingly, I’ve only had positive reac­tions so far (and I heave a huge sigh of relief).

   Usually my sister just hands or mails her friends a copy of Josh’s article “Dating Problems, Courtship Solutions,” but I get a kick out of explaining the mechanics of it all.

   In fact, my sister and I explained the whole thing to my uncle who is a big, sometimes crude, cop (and also the father of two teenage sons), and he thought it was a great idea— for girls. He came across like it was the answer to every crime against teenage girls (such as date rape and other sexual harassment). But I believe it’s meant to be good for guys, too. Because I think they both need the correct preparation for a strong, healthy marriage in Christ.

Charlene Severin—Ripon, CA • Age 15

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action:

What Now?

What are your post-high school plans? Are you defi­nitely going to college? Are you definitely staying away from college? Tell us what you’re doing whether it’s apprenticeship, work, col­lege or a combo. Then tell us why you chose it. What helped you make the deci­sion? What do you like about it? What are its draw­backs? We need to hear from you! Yes, you! This is where we all interact!

We need your letter! Be cre­ative! Send stories, examples. Don’t forget to send: your pic­ture, your age, & phone num­ber. No longer than 400 words. (Deadline for letters: Sept. 12)