The steps winding up from the hotel lobby were transformed into front row seats at a lively, open forum on guy/girl relationships. The impromptu talk started when I whipped out my tape recorder to ask a few friends about their experiences in relating to the opposite sex. We were gathered from all over country for a conference. We didn't see each other often, so it was a unique opportunity to talk with people our age who were looking for alternatives to dating. The topic was hot, and the discussion spirited. Before we knew it, the two-person interview had multiplied to eight, and even more were huddled around to listen.
"I like to define my relationships up front," said Michael Newman, a 22-year old from Michigan with black hair and a direct, no-nonsense approach to life. He talks with his hands, gesturing and pointing to emphasize his words. "I just had an instance where I was talking with a girl," he continued. "And, boy, she was taking stuff all wrong—I was taking stuff all wrong. We sat down; we talked. I said, 'Look, all I want to do is be friends... that’s it! Don't take it out of that context.'"
The rest of the group laughs as he recites the conversation. A girl jumps in to share her perspective. The others listen intently, adding encouragement or joining in to take the discussion in a completely different direction. Everyone is relaxed, open and honest. The tape recorder is forgotten. We aren't looking for the final solution, just venting frustration, laughing over mistakes and listening...listening and finding comfort in the fact that we're not alone in being fed up with typical dating and yet not always sure what to do instead.
Just Plain Confusing
What are you supposed to do if you don't date? The simple answer is friendship. Just be friends. Easy, huh?
Yeah, right. Maybe it would be if God created us without hearts, devoid of emotions, and immune to attraction. But most of us have to deal with all three as we stumble through the confusing process of finding balance between the extreme options of jumping headlong into romance with everyone who catches our eye or running in fear from all members of the opposite sex. Finding that balance is anything but easy. The "middle ground" is more like a tight rope stretched over a gaping chasm.
Being "just friends" is just plain confusing. The big question is, where is the line between "just friendship" and "more than friendship"?
When Friendships "Crunch!"
Trying to answer that question reminds me of a Tootsie Pop commercial I watched as a kid. It goes like this: A little boy has a Tootsie Pop and a very valid question: How many licks does it take to get to the middle?
Nobody knows. They direct him to the owl. Owls are smart.
The boy poses his question to the owl who sits in his tree like some mountain-top guru: "How many licks does it take to get to the chewy center of a Tootsie Pop?"
The owl takes the sucker thoughtfully and removes the wrapping.
He licks once. "One," he counts.
He licks again. "Two," he says.
He licks a third time. "Three."
And suddenly, "Crunch!" Throwing patience to the wind, he bites into the middle of the Tootsie Pop.
Handing the bare Tootsie Pop stick to the boy he answers, "Three."
That owl made me so mad. I felt sorry for the boy. Not only was he out a Tootsie Pop, but he still didn't know how many licks it took to get to the middle.
Right now I feel like that boy! In my friendships with girls I don't want to reach the chewy center of romance—I want to "just be friends". My problem is that I don't always know how much a friendship between a guy and girl can handle before—Crunch!—we're into "more than friendship".
It's not that I'm afraid of romance. I look forward to one day falling head over heels in love with a girl and doing my best to sweep her off her feet. But right now I'm not ready for marriage. I want to focus on serving God with the single years of my life, so I'm not dating and doing my best to stay clear of any romantic entanglements.
But sometimes my friendships go "Crunch!"
One moment you're pals, but then all of a sudden you realize your heart has kicked into gear. You sigh when you think of this person. You know, take a deeper than usual breath and let it out slowly. Try it... Exactly.
Or you're with a group of friends and when "that particular person" is off talking to someone else you feel...something. Jealousy? Possessive? Why would I feel this? We're just friends. We're brother and sister in Christ...blah, blah, blah.
You can say whatever you want, but you know deep down that you've "Crunched!"
The Possibilities of Guy/Girl Friendships
At this point some people say the answer to this problem is zero contact between boys and girls. Keep them apart. Mom and Dad pick out a mate, and they can meet on the wedding day. The vows can come immediately after the introductions.
It may not be that extreme, but this whole train of thought is unacceptable. Why? Because as Christians we are family. The body of Christ is built on relationship, not isolation. And although it's sometimes difficult to operate within those relationships in a way that is pure and honorable, it does not mean that the answer is for us to throw them out altogether.
In his first letter to Timothy, Paul instructs his son in the faith to treat younger women as sisters. The fact that the relationships and the interaction with the opposite sex was present is taken for granted; Paul's emphasis is on Timothy's attitude and purity. This emphasis must be ours.
Guy/girl friendships can be enriching and enjoyable, pure, and even inspiring. In my case, the female perspective on life has taught me things that I would have missed in my narrow-minded male outlook.
I remember getting a note from a female friend in which she listed several of her favorite passages of Scripture. I had been working on memorizing some verses, and when I looked up the ones she listed, I realized that my memory plan was lopsided. All my verses had to do with conquering the enemy, beating the devil and overcoming temptation. Her verses focused on simple faith in God, servanthood and trust in His goodness. Though she never knew it, her perspective on our Heavenly Father helped balance my understanding of God.
"I've found that I'm more apt to listen to a girl when she points out something negative in my life than I am if a guy tells me," says Tim Lash, a 17-year old from Virginia. "Guys can be so competitive it's sometimes easier to take a gentle rebuke from a girl." Friendships with the opposite sex can help us see life from a different perspective. These relationships have the potential to challenge us spiritually and encourage growth.
The Abuse of An Innocent Thing
While it would be a mistake to pass up on the benefits of guy/girl friendships, we must not forget that there are boundaries. Enjoying anything good requires recognizing its limitations. Friendship with the opposite sex is no exception. A.W. Tozer said it this way: "The abuse of an innocent thing is the essence of sin." No matter how beneficial or innocent a thing may be, when we ask too much of something we can cause harm. Solomon in his wisdom, passed down this principle by using the analogy of food: "If you find honey, eat just enough—too much of it, and you will vomit." Just because something is good does not mean we can indiscriminately "gorge" on it. Like the appetite of our stomach, healthy friendship requires self-control. Intimacy outside of marriage has set boundaries, and overstepping them even with the best of "Christian good intention" is dangerous.
Overstepping God’s Boundaries
Stephen Olford, a British preacher, in an impassioned sermon at Moody Bible Institute, referred to overstepping God's boundaries as "expressionism". Borrowing Paul's outline in I Thessalonians chapter four, he lists several forms this inappropriate expressionism can take. First, we violate the limits of friendship by defrauding one another. We defraud by leading another person on; promising something we're not willing or capable of giving. Defrauding is ripping another person off by arousing a hunger, be it emotional or sexual, that we cannot rightly satisfy.
Defrauding could be compared to offering to drive a younger sibling to the ice cream store, taking the time to describe the tantalizing flavors in detail, only to bring their yearnings crashing down when you remind them you don't have your driver's license. To fulfill the hunger you've created, you would have to break a law. The same is true in many Christian friendships. When we, because of a lack of self-control, play games of pushing each other's emotional and physical buttons, we are often awakening desires that before God we cannot fulfill. God calls it defrauding. In His eyes we're stealing from each other.
A second form of violation in Christian friendship is "oppressing". Olford describes it as a "dog and master" relationship; one person dominates the other. This is as ugly in a high-school dating relationship as it is in a marriage. And sadly, many of us are guilty of fostering this kind of relationship.
True Christian friendship must focus on building up the other person's faith and dependency on God—not ourselves. When we look for ways to make our friends need us more or want us more, we are no longer operating within God's guidelines for friendship. We are no longer blessing— we are oppressing. Real friends don't attempt to bind each other with emotional manipulation designed to create need. Real friends look for ways to encourage each other's strengths and strengthen each other's weaknesses.
Don't Trust Your Heart
"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure," laments the prophet Jeremiah. "Who can understand it?" The defrauding that takes place in Christian friendships can always be traced to the deceitfulness of our hearts. This deceitfulness is the same that has plagued man since history began: the instinctive desire to place self first—above God and above the needs of others.
It is the seductive voice that tells you "whatever feels good now is all you should worry about." It is the root of defrauding and oppression and the driving force when an unmarried couple violate one another's purity. This self-centered deceitfulness is the sworn enemy of patience and self-control.
We must not underestimate the importance of constant self-judgement. Our protection must involve more than an "alarm system" that goes off when our heart crosses some line. We need "checkpoints" that will stop us long before we overstep God's boundaries and keep us far from violation.
You Are Not Alone
The first checkpoint is our relational responsibilities. Breaking out of the pattern of defrauding and oppressing others requires us to stop seeing ourselves as the "center of the universe". We will never enjoy the benefits of pure brother/sister relationship if everything revolves around our own needs and concerns. We must judge our actions by how they affect others.
Imagine yourself in the following scenario: You're in car on a lonely desert road. No one is in sight. The smooth pavement stretches out straight as far as the eye can see. You know the car you're in is capable of driving fast. The question that will come to any red-blooded American's mind is "How fast can this thing go?" No one is around; why not try it? You throw the car into gear and roar down the road.
Now imagine yourself in a different setting. You're in the car again, but this time your little brother or sister is sitting in the front seat next to you. And instead of being on a deserted road, you're in the heart of a busy city surrounded by other cars and pedestrians. And then out of the corner of your eye you see a white police car. The thought of speeding is not even going to enter your mind. You drive down the street slowly and carefully.
What was the difference in the two scenarios? The difference is that in the first you were an isolated person who only had yourself to worry about. But the second scenario placed you in relationship to others. Instead of being alone, you had relational responsibilities. If you wrecked the car, you would be responsible for the life of your younger sibling strapped in the seat next to you. Your recklessness could also place the lives of the other motorists around you in danger. And finally, the policeman reminded you that there was a law you had to follow. You drove slowly.
The same is true in your friendships. You are not alone. Remembering that your actions affect others will cause you to proceed cautiously and carefully. You have other people than yourself to think about. Every friendship involves three relationships: the guy or girl you're friends with, the people around you, and ultimately God. You have a responsibility to each.
Joseph: Remembering Relational Responsibility
In the pages of scripture, the story of Joseph being tempted by his master's wife is the perfect example of someone who stood his ground against sin because he saw his relational responsibility. Ravi Zacharias recounts in a sermon the story and comments on Joseph's sense of accountability:
"When Joseph is tempted by Potiphar's wife he gives her a staggering reply...He says 'I can't do this to you, because if I did that to you, I would be violating the trust my master has placed on me and breaking the law of God—I'm accountable to God.' Every angle is covered!
'I can't do it to you' She could have said everybody is doing it. 'That's all right,' says Joseph. 'I can't do it to you. You don't belong to me.' 'But what if I'm willing?' she may have countered.
'Well, what about your husband? And even if he didn't care, there's still God.'"
Joseph did not evaluate the situation by what he could get away with. He saw his responsibility to Potiphar's wife: "I cannot violate you." He remembered his responsibility to his employer: "I cannot betray your husband." And most importantly, his overriding sense of responsibility was to God: "I will never do what is wicked in God's sight."
I try to use the criteria Joseph used when I meet a girl. Whether or not we're attracted to each other, I have to immediately start reminding myself of my relational responsibilities. The conversation with myself goes something like this:
"Josh, what is your relationship to this girl?"
"She's a sister in Christ who I'm instructed to treat with absolute purity."
"Exactly! She's not just a pretty face is she?"
"No, she's a child of God. God has a plan for her. He is shaping her and molding her into something."
"So what is your responsibility to her?" "My responsibility is to make sure I don't get in the way of what God is doing. If I can, I should encourage her to keep her focus and dependence on God."
"Okay, good. Now to whom is your second responsibility?"
"My second responsibility is to the people around me."
"Like..."
"Like the people here in the church group, non-Christians who might observe our relationship and even my little brothers who are watching how I relate to girls."
"Why do you have to care what they think?"
"I have a responsibility to set an example for other believers; I have a responsibility to keep the unity of the group here at church; and I have a responsibility to model the love of Jesus to outsiders."
"And your final responsibility is to God, correct?"
"Exactly. I am responsible to keep my way pure, serve others like Christ did and love my neighbors as I love myself."
Neglecting Those Around You
We must constantly remind ourselves that our lives and actions affect others. If a friendship with a member of the opposite sex is causing you to neglect close friends or family, chances are you're being irresponsible.
I'm involved in my church's young adult's group. I've made it a priority to get to know as many different guys and girls as possible. I do my best to make visitors feel welcome and be alert to the needs of those who seem isolated from the group. I don't wear a badge or have the title of "Visitor Welcomer", but I feel a responsibility to the group. It's a small way to serve others.
But there have been several times when I've found myself distracted from keeping an eye out for everyone because I've got my eye on one girl in particular. Whether she's new and I'm trying to figure out how to meet her, or she's someone I'm vainly attempting to impress, the bottom line is that I'm forgetting my responsibility to the other people around me. I could try to justify it by saying that I'm giving this girl "extra attention" and attending to her needs, but it's much more likely that I'm actually being self-centered by pursuing someone who is attractive or for the moment interesting, at the expense of those whom God has called me to serve.
The same neglect can affect family or close friends. Yes, a friendship that leads to marriage involves a process of cutting old ties and forming new ones. The moment has to come when a couple who feels led to get married will focus more on each other. But even a couple headed towards marriage should not forget that they have a responsibility to others. Nothing is more damaging than when two people, even an engaged couple, become so exclusive that they cut off the ties to friends and loved ones. We not only need to remember to serve those around us, we must remember that we need their perspective and wisdom to help us on our way. We have a responsibility to, and a need for, the body of Christ.
Judging Your Heart
The Checkpoint of relational responsibility helps us to see our lives and actions in perspective. The second checkpoint brings us to the nitty gritty task of judging our motives and specific actions. This can be painful. The writer of Proverbs states, "Who can say, 'I have kept my heart pure; I am clean and without sin'?" The task of opening our hearts and evaluating their deceitful and selfish contents can be disgusting, but it is vitally necessary if we are to avoid overstepping the bounds of Christian friendship.
We must judge three aspects of our friendships: the motive, the actions, and the end result. God gives us this outline in Jeremiah 17:10 when he says "I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings." (NKJV)
Our motive is important to God as He "searches the heart". Next he looks at the action a person takes "according to his ways", and finally He evaluates the end result as he judges the "fruit of our doings".
Notice the checks and balances this approach gives us as we deal with our hearts. When I evaluate a friendship with a girl, it's not enough to only judge my motive. Emotions and attraction can cloud my objectivity, and I can deceive myself. It's important to also judge my actions. I can say whatever I want, but actions speak louder than words. If I've claimed my motive is pure towards a certain girl, but I'm constantly trying to catch her glance, showering her with gifts and filling my conversation with romantic overtones, my "pure" motive is a joke. My actions will reveal the true motive of the heart.
But even the motive and the action are not enough. There is a third stage to evaluate. This is the end result or what Jeremiah calls "the fruit of our doings". Let's say I've evaluated my motive, judged my actions and I think both are great...BUT, the relationship is isolating us from others and distracting us—obviously I missed something. It doesn't matter if I thought my motive and actions were okay if the fruit of my deeds is bad.
God Is Greater Than Our Hearts
Constant self-judgement takes a great deal of honesty. It can be tiring.
Often I want to throw up my hands in defeat and say "Forget it! I quit!" Like Jeremiah, the deceitfulness and wickedness of my own heart prompts despair and the pleading question, "Who can know my heart and deal with its upheavals and dishonesty?"
The answer is Christ. Whether you're struggling with feelings of loneliness, wrestling with what seems like a never-ending crush on someone or ending a relationship you know is wrong, God is intensely concerned and ready to walk through it with you. The promise of 1 John 3:20 is for you: "God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything."
In Christ our motives can be pure. In the words of Stephen Olford we can give "attention to one another without intention on any one person." Our actions towards others can be like Jesus: servant-hearted and humble; focused on giving not taking. And in Christ we will see the end result of strong, pure, God-focused friendship.
When we see our lives from a heavenly perspective, have the honesty to judge our actions and the faith to entrust our hearts to God, we'll be capable of waiting for romance. In the meantime, we'll experience the richness of true Christian friendship.
Joshua Harris is the editor of New Attitude Magazine. The series on Searching for True Love is a sneak preview of his upcoming book I Kissed Dating Goodbye scheduled for release in late 1996.
Next Issue Installment III:
REAL LIFE LOVE STORIES