Dear Sis,

Well, I'm trying to get used to not having you around the house, but it isn't exactly easy. Dinner sure is quieter! Just kidding. We miss your conversation. I'm sure you're enjoying married life. Have you forgotten what it's like to be single yet? I hope not, because I have some questions for you.

It seems everywhere I turn, there are books and articles for already married women, engaged women, women who are contemplating courtship and single girls who want to find “Mr. Right.” Is it my imagination, or has someone forgotten the rest of us? I guess according to society's “norms,” I’m the right age to be looking for a guy or actively seeing someone, but I know I'm not ready for that. What am I supposed to do, then? Sit around and twiddle my thumbs?

Beth,

It sure was great to get your letter, and I'm glad I'm actually missed! Believe it or not, I do still think of you all and miss our family times. And, no, I haven't forgotten what life was like before I was married.

Welcome to the frustrating world of single girlhood! Do you remember how I used to spout off to Mom about this very topic a few years back? Nobody bothered to address the concerns of those of us who were happy not to be stuck in the dating grind but still wondered what we were supposed to be doing until marriage — if marriage was in God's plan.

The only books I could find drove me crazy, because they all stuck to the idea that every girl would one day be married and should spend the teen years preparing for that blessed event. Not that I've ever been against marriage, but someone out there needed to wake up and realize that God might just call some girls to be single for the rest of their lives — or for a large portion of that time. Hang in there, girl!

By the way, did Mom ever find my recipe book? It's not like I memorized all those when Mom taught me to cook, and I think dear hubby is getting pretty tired of spaghetti and tuna casserole!

Dear Sis,

Mom mailed your recipes yesterday. I can't believe you don't remember how to make more than two dishes. You were joking, I hope!

Thanks for your reassuring answers in your last letter. I know there's not much out there for us "in-betweens," but what did you do when you realized this? I know you and Mom talked a lot, but I can't remember if you ever found a really great source of ideas and inspiration.

By the way, Patches misses your lap. Nothing else to sharpen her claws on!

Beth,

I do not miss that cat, and you can tell her that plainly. I don't know how many boosts off my knees it would take to convince her that I am not a scratching post.

So, you had to ask me about my "sources," eh? You mean to tell me you don't remember when I discovered Grace Livingston Hill books? I decided all a godly woman needed to do was wear flower-sprigged dresses, smile at children and look stern yet sad whenever someone sinned! I'm amazed I didn't drive everyone bananas with that short-lived fad. The problem was rtat I couldn't be anywhere near as perfect as those nearly sinless models of feminine charm. Besides, I was trying to figure out what to do while I wasn't looking for Mr. Right, and all those heroines ended up married to Mr. Christian Perfection by the end of the story.

Then there was the year I figured I was born in the wrong century. That's when I started getting up at the crack of dawn, wearing Little House on the Prairie pinafores with lace-up boots and baking bread before I had to be asked. I think the reason Mom didn't bother to stop me is that I became a whiz at housework and finished school assignments in record time! But after a while, I realized I really wasn't any closer to that "real woman" ideal than I was when I started. It was back to the drawing board.

By the way, would you have Mom send the bread recipe? She forgot to include it in my book. Don't worry, I doubt I'll be getting up at four a.m. to bake!

Dear Sis,

Okay, so I do remember the time you cleaned the whole house in a long skirt, but I figured you just liked to dress that way. You still wear those old-fashioned dresses and all, so I don't really get the point. What's so wrong about that? It sounds like you were just trying to be the Proverbs 31 lady, and isn't that what we young women are supposed to do?

You know, I miss waking up to fresh bread.  Why did you have to lose that fad?  Ha ha!  Sorry this is so short.  I’m off to a piano lesson.  Love you!

Beth,

No more postcards! Any news you'd like to share? I'm really curious about what you're studying this year. You know I'm teaching English at the home-school co-op, and I’d like your feedback on what I plan to have them read. I'll send a list in another letter. Then you can tell me if I'm being unrealistic.

To get to your questions: you’re right about the clothes. I didn't mean to say there's anything wrong with wearing dresses or being old-fashioned. You know me too well. The reason I stopped trying to be such an expert at old-fashioned womanliness is that I realized I had the wrong motives. I thought I could put on that godly ideal like a dress. I figured the whole point was to act like the Proverbs 3 1 woman, look like Laura Ingalls Wilder and talk like one of those Hill heroines, and I'd reach my goal. Instead, I became increasingly discouraged when I realized how judgmental I was becoming and how proud of my own meager "accomplishments."

You see, being that "woman of God" isn't just about what you wear or read or do, it's about God's work in your heart. He is the only one who can finish what He has begun, although we'd like to think our feeble works can "help" Him along.

Hey, give Mom and Dad a big squeeze from me today. And then get one for yourself. I miss you guys!

Dear Sis,

I got your list of books, and I’ll drop you a line next week sometime to tell you what I think. I took a glance at it, and it looks good so far.

About your advice; I see your point about waiting on the Lord, but you're starting to lose me just the same. I know I'm supposed to trust God to do His work in me. I know I can't be perfect. What I don't know is what I am supposed to do! It's not God is going to wave a wand and make me into a perfect woman all of sudden.  Shouldn’t I be learning something?  Isn’t there anything I can do?  Don’t leave me to twiddle my thumbs!

Mom and Dad say thanks for the letter you sent them, and they’ll drop one soon.

Beth,

Oops. I'm sorry about getting preachy in that last letter. You got me on my soapbox, and you know how dangerous that can be! You're absolutely right.  God does have a lot He wants you to learn, and He will bring those lessons to shape you as you grow. The good thing is that you don't have to wonder what He wants you to be. Get into the Word and make a study of the godly women there. Study passages like Titus 2:3-5, 1 Peter 3:1-6 and 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. Use a good concordance and look up everything you can on women (the godly and the ungodly) to see what God expects of us and what He's not looking for. The principles for married women can also be applied to single girls.

On the really practical side, there are quite a few things you can do. First off, concentrate on your relationship with the Lord. I know that sounds pretty vague, but it's kind of hard to explain. For one thing, you can ask Mom and Dad lots of questions about how they grew in their faith. I guess you don't know how many times I went to them after we were all in bed and kept them up talking. Don't take this time at home for granted.  You may never get it back again.

Right before I got married, I started to feel very homesick.  Remember? I started wanting to be with you all the time. It dawned on me how soon I'd be leaving. Enjoy this time! You probably won't be with Mom and Dad forever, so keep your relationship with them as open and loving as possible. Be available to the rest of the family, too. Keeping in touch has really meant a lot to me. I hope we never lose this.

Too many teens think their high school years are set apart for them as a time to "make it on their own."  Don't believe that. You'll have plenty of chances to spread your wings; but don't lose this wonderful time in the nest!

This is going to sound corny, but it really is important to put a lot of effort into your education. Don't just aim for that mythical goal of "graduation."  Believe me, it will not be the end of your learning life. College isn't an end either. Education should be a springboard for the rest of our lives. Read all you can. Not just great works of fiction (which you know I love), but the works of our founders, our church fathers and other great men and women of the past. There are so many insights to be gained from such a study. It can be a real treasure hunt!

I could go on and on, but I'll save some ideas for another letter.  Believe me, there's lots to do. I can look back now and see there are many things I should have done and didn't—and things I wasted my time on.

Whew! This was a long one. Hope I'm not "preaching" again. I love you, sis!

Dear Sis,

We had five inches of snow today, so I'm inside with Patches on my lap keeping me warm while I write. I'm sure you're jealous. Ha!

Hey, thanks for the ideas and goals. I'll try to keep them in mind. I still have another question for you, though. What do you tell people who ask you what you want to do with your life until you get married? Didn't that used to tick you off?

I'm glad you've enjoyed my letters. I hope we keep this up, too!

Beth,

Would it make you sick if I told you it was eighty degrees here today? You can have your snow—and that dumb feline. No cats in this household!

You asked a really great question in that last letter, and you bring me to the most important point of all. Yes, I did used to get upset, but not because people asked me the question. It was because they read all kinds of crazy things into my answer. Remember? I used to say, "I'm not sure yet that the Lord has marriage in my future, but I want to use the skills He has given me to serve Him wherever He may place me right now." I thought that was a pretty good answer, but the way people read into it was incredible. I had one person tell me not to worry, that the Lord would bring "that special someone" before too long. Like I was secretly tearing my hair out in private because I wasn't engaged! Then there were people who thought I was a closet "man-hater" who didn't want to get married at all. And the ones who decided all they needed to do was pick out "Mr. Right" for me and I'd fall!

What frustrated me was that no one seemed to understand I was perfectly happy in my unmarried state. It wasn't that I never wanted to be married, but I didn't see any reason to pine for a husband or sit idly until one came along. Remember Mom's old adage? "You'll never be content married until you are content single." That became my theme. And this is the biggest point I want to get across to you. Contentment is the key to the whole "woman of God" puzzle. No matter what you end up doing or where the Lord takes you, if you can learn the secret of contentment, you will be happy anywhere. Not that I have perfected this! It is truly an ongoing process.

Ultimately, becoming a godly woman means being willing to give up your own desires and needs and allowing God to place His motives in your heart. This can come as a revelation, or it can break over you slowly, like it did for me. After all those years of trying to make myself into the Proverbs 31 ideal, I realized I wasn't content with what God was working in me today. I can't have it all at once; it has to be a process. And if it has to take eighty years, I'd better learn right now to enjoy each day rather than "kick against the goads."

Sis, you are a beautiful young woman right now, and I rejoice to see God's work in you. Relax. He will finish what He has started!

Jennie E. Chancey lives in Winchester, Virginia, where she is happily married to Matt Chancey and enjoys working out of her home as a seamstress, designer, writer and editor. Look for another installment of "Dear Sis" next issue.