What I learned while writing about what I thought I knew.

A conversation with Joshua Harris

 

Let's talk about your book. Basically this whole interview is just one big "infomercial" for "I Kissed Dating Goodbye."

[Laughs]

 

Well, it's true isn't it?

Yes and no. Yes, I want to talk about the book, but no, it's not just a commercial. I've always talked to New Attitude readers about the things I was most excited about. Right now "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" is what I'm passionately excited about.

 

This message has your heart, doesn't it?

It does. And to me it's not "my message." I know this might sound cheezy, but I really think of it as "our book." New Attitude readers worked through it with me. We've been dialoguing about this since the second issue of the magazine, and it's been the prayer and support of readers that kept me going.

 

How long have you been working on "I Kissed Doting Goodbye"?

Three years. I found a journal entry from the spring of 1994 where I wrote, "I'm going to write a book on courtship." I had this super dumb title for it, and my ideas were very undeveloped, but that's when the project started. Then some readers will remember that I announced I was going to write it in the Fall '94 issue. But it wasn't until April of last year that I got the contract with Multnomah Books. That was a big deal for me. Multnomah will get it into Christian bookstores and distribute it to the people who need to read it most.

 

How does it feel to have it finished?

When my editor called to congratulate me on being done he said, "Josh, this is the closest we men will ever come to giving birth." I think he's right. For the last seven or eight months I have been consumed with this. There wasn't a waking minute that I wasn't thinking about it.

 

The thing I think some people might be wondering is, "Do we really need another book on courtship? Hasn't it all been said already?"

Well, first of all, it's not about courtship. But in answer to your question, no, we don't need another book on courtship.

That was a crucial way in which my view changed while writing. While all the principles are the same, I made the decision not to use the word "courtship." I began to see that in many ways we've allowed the idea of "committing to courtship" to get us off course. Instead of keeping Christ at the center of the discussion, we've often been guilty of looking for some set of rules—some formula—that will make romance painless and perfect. It's not working.

I meet kids so obsessed with figuring out the "rules" and "forms" of courtship that they're completely distracted from enjoying their singleness and serving God with abandon! Then I talk to kids who are fed up with the whole discussion. They discover many of the "pat" answers thrown around don't always add up. They're ready to give up.

"I Kissed Dating Goodbye" takes a totally different approach. It's not a book about courtship, it's a book about what it means to honor God and serve others in our relationships. I'm saying to young adults, "Look, until you're ready for marriage, don't worry about courtship. Let's look to scripture for what it means to love sincerely, to live a pure life and be purposeful with our singleness."

 

So the focus is positive.

Exactly! It's not just a broken record playing "Dating is bad...Dating is bad...Dating is bad." Instead, it focuses on God's better plan and the benefits of submitting our relationships to His lordship. So while it points out the problems with culture's approach to romance, it spends more time looking at what we should be doing instead.

 

Will most of the book's content be familiar to New Attitude readers?

No, this is all brand new material. It's not rehashed New Attitude articles. In fact, the articles from last year's "Searching for True Love" series that were supposed to be part of the book were completely rewritten. The only thing they'll recognize is "The Room." I used it in one chapter to explain how God's grace can cleanse us even if we've sinned in past relationships.

I can't tell you how anxious I am to share this with people! From April to October in '96 I wrote seemingly non-stop—sixteen chapters total. I wrote more in this book than all the articles I've done in New Attitude's four years combined. And I've had to wait to share it with people!

 

You're used to instant feedback in the magazine.

I'm used to writing something, having it in print immediately and then hearing from people.

 

Do you think your writing is different in the book?

I think it's better than anything I've done before.

 

In what ways?

I think it's more engaging. I use more stories. It's also a much more in-depth treatment of the topic. Magazine articles can only skim the surface. With the book I've had more time to refine the ideas—it's more balanced. And I shared more from my personal experience than I've ever done.

 

What influenced the decision to share more from your own life?

At one point I was struggling to express different ideas—unsure how to communicate the principles. I was sharing my frustration with some people, and my friend Sharon looked at me and said, "Josh, just speak from your heart. Tell people what God has taught you." That became my motto while writing. I taped a piece of paper over my desk that said "Speak from your heart." That's what I tried to do.

I wanted to be real. The main reason I wanted to write this book now, versus someday when I'm married, is that I wanted to write it in the middle of the uncertainty and questions I'm feeling.

 

How do you think the book will be received by a mainstream audience?

Of course I hope it will sell, but honestly I don't know. The young adult sections of most Christian bookstores are full of books telling kids how to fix dating to make it work for them. My book tells people how to "break up" with dating to make their lives work for God. That's radical. It may make some people angry. But I think many people are hungry for Biblical truth and ready for this message. I really need help getting the word out.

 

What are some specific ways New Attitude readers can help?

The little things are what help. Loan the book to friends. Write a review of it for your home-school newsletter. Encourage your local Christian bookstore to carry it. Share it with your youth pastor. I know some of the "courtship books" written have scared off pastors, but I think "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" has a chance to get through to them and challenge their thinking. Most importantly, pray God will use it to touch people's hearts. If the Holy Spirit doesn't speak to people as they read, it's all in vain.

 

So what comes next for you? Are you going to write your own "courtship story" after you get married?

I've benefited from books other couples have written, but no, I'm not going to write one myself. When God releases me to try and win a girl's heart, I don't want her to worry that I'm taking notes for a book.